JOKE OF THE DAY

What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?
Mr. President.




04-27-08 - THIEF

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"




04-25-08 - CANNIBAL

Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder!




04-23-08 - DOCTOR

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."




04-21-08 - MAMA

Yo mama's like a 7-11, open 24 hours a day on every street corner and for 99 cents you can get a slurpee.




04-19-08 - OLD MAN

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, “You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad.”
The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, “What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “you have cancer and you have Alzheimers.”
The man replies, “Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer.”




04-17-08 - MUFFS

What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want, he cant hear you.




04-15-08 - Yo' mama

Yo' mama so stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!




04-13-08 - MEN

Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you!




04-11-08 - AARON

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''




04-09-08 - SHOE FACTORY

Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?
Two hundred soles were lost.




04-07-08 - CLINTON

What will history remember Bill Clinton as?
The President after Bush!




04-05-08 - YO MAMA

Yo mama so ugly, she makes onions cry.




04-03-08 - GOOD AND BAD NEWS

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.




04-01-08 - MAMA

Yo' mama so hairy, you almost died of rugburn when you were born!




03-27-08 - BLONDES

Yo mama so ugly, she makes onions cry.




03-27-08 - BLONDES

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.




03-25-08 - BLONDE

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the plane and sat down in first class.
A few minutes later, a flight attendent came up to her and told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move from the seat. She refused. The flight attendent was persistant, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here, I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class."
The flight attendent was getting frustrated. Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move.
Another passenger who overheard the conversation asked the attendent, "How did you get her to move?"
The flight attendent replied, "I told her that first class doesn't stop in Detroit."




03-24-08 - NEED IT BAD

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so...
Do you have a piece of gum?




03-23-08 - SMoKING

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Use more lube.




03-22-08 - ONE ARMED BLONDE

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Sit a kitty beside her.




03-21-08 - EMBARRASS

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.




03-20-08 - TWO FLIES

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"




03-19-08 - CHICKEN

Why does a chicken lay eggs?
Because if she dropped them, they'd break




03-18-08 - DEFINATELY

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."




03-17-08 - LOAN

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"




03-16-08 - SO UGLY

You're so ugly, when yo mama dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering!




03-15-08 - AMERICAN TOURIST

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call them wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"




03-14-08 - SQUIRREL

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm!




03-13-08 - ITALIAN BOY

Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?
So he could look like his mama.




03-12-08 - MARTHA

Why did Martha Stewart cross the road?
To avoid the throngs of unwashed working class trash shopping for her line of sweatshop manufactured luxury crap sold at local discount retail bacteria farms.




03-11-08 - LITTLE TOMMY

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"
A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"
Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"
"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"




03-10-08 - ANT

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?
A: He got pissed off.




03-09-08 - TWO ITALIANS

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''




03-08-08 - TRUCK DRIVER

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.
A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."




03-07-08 - LAWYER RATES

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”




03-06-08 - MICHAEL JACKSON

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue.




03-05-08 - THREE DOCTORS

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, 'I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, 'I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'
Doctor Ahn says, 'I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.'




02-29-08 - BLOND

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”




02-28-08 - NEVER BEEN

What do you call a cave-dwelling virgin?
Never Bin Laidon




02-27-08 - MAMA

How are the New York Jets defense and yo mama alike?
You give them a quarter and they'll let you score!




02-26-08 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if your jack-o lantern on your porch has more teeth than you do.




02-25-08 - HAM SANDWICH

A ham sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."




02-24-08 - ADAM AND EVE

Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed, “Move aside -- I don't know how far its gonna go.”




02-23-08 - BLOND

A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio. The D.J. was telling blonde jokes one after the other, and she got extremly pissed off and turned of the radio.
She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blondes like you who make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!"




02-22-08 - 6 HOLES

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!




02-21-08 - POST OFFICE

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."




02-20-08 - MAN

Man who lay woman on ground have piece on earth.




02-19-08 - APPLE AND WORM

What did the apple say to the worm?
You're boring me.




02-18-08 - TRAIN

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...




02-17-08 - BUSH

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."




02-16-08 - CONDOMS

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"




02-15-08 - ONE NIGHT

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.
The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.
They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.
They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."




02-14-08 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if your daddy walked you to school and you are both in the same grade.




02-13-08 - IAN MCKEGNEY

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.
"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
Ian replied, "Pepper."




02-12-08 - MOISTURE

What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity




02-12-08 - MOISTURE

What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity




02-11-08 - VEGETABLES

What's the difficult thing about eating vegetables?
Getting around the wheelchair.




02-10-08 - 6 INCHES

What's 6 inches long , 2 inches wide, and thrills women?
Money!




02-09-08 - NUTS

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Wallnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chest nuts
Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?
A: A penis in your mouth




02-08-08 - CITY OF WALMART

You know you're a redneck when the biggest city you've been to is Wal-Mart.




02-07-08 - NIGHTGOWN

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"




02-06-08 - BUSTED

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''




02-05-08 - GEORGIE BOY

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.
They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup.
The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.
After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"




02-04-08 - SILENT BLONDE

Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.




02-03-08 - BLONDES

Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
So they don't crap on the street during parades!




02-02-08 - CLINTON

What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns! What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!




01-31-08 - BLOWING BUBBLES

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."




01-30-08 - TWO REDNECKS

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"




01-29-08 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if you're considered an expert on worm beds!




01-28-08 - TALIBAN BINGO

How do you play Taliban Bingo?
B-52, F-15, B-1...




01-27-08 - BREAST STROKE

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are swimming breast stroke in a race. The blonde comes in last and says, I don't mean to be a a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their hands




01-26-08 - SIX HOURS TO LIVE

After a visit to the doctor, a man returns home and tells his wife he has approximately six hours left to live. Of course, they go straight to bed and have some amazing, athletic sex. Half an hour later, the man asks his wife if they can have sex again. They do, and it's even more vigourous and ferocious sex. An hour later, the man asks his wife for sex again, and they have a ball-busting, rib-breaking round of sex. An hour later, the man wants it again.
"No way," says the wife. "I have to get up in the morning. You don't."




01-25-08 - A DRUNK

A drunk guy is walking down the street.
He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over.
He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"




01-24-08 - TWO OLD LADIES

Two old ladies are at the movies.
"Psst," says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is beating off."
"What makes you say that?"
"He's using my hand."




01-23-08 - REDNECK BOY

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."




01-22-08 - CHORES

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"




01-21-08 - GEORGIE BOY

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident... Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.
He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.
The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"




01-20-08 - BLOND

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"




01-19-08 - BATHROOM

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."




01-18-08 - REDNECK

You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car!




01-17-08 - SHAKING

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?" "Yes, ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"




01-16-08 - ELEPHANT

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?
A: Apologize and wipe it off.




01-15-08 - PROM

On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend is waiting in the living room with the girlfriend's granpa and her dog Rover. As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, ''Man I really gotta fart, I think I will let a little out.'' So he does and the granpa yells ''ROVER!'' The boy thinks to himself, ''All right, now he thinks it's the dog. I think I will let a little more out.'' So he does and the granpa yells again, ''ROVER!'' The boyfriend says to himself, ''All right, now he really thinks it's the dog. I think I will let the rest out.'' So he lets it rip and the granpa yells, ''Rover, get over here before that guy poops on you!''




01-14-08 - LITTLE OLD LADY

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."




01-13-08 - I SCREWED YOU MOM

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''




01-12-08 - HOSTAGES

A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad. But first, the terrorists ask the red-headed woman if she has any last words. The red-head points and says, “Twister!” The terrorists ran in all different directions and the red-headed woman gets away. When they realize what has happened, the come back and to where the blonde woman is still standing, and they ask her if she has any last words. She points and says, “Fire!”




01-09-08 - CONDOMS

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"




01-08-08 - OSAMA

How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.




01-07-08 - SICK PEVERT

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.
"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.
"A naked woman on a bed."
"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.
"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"




01-06-08 - FLIES HAVE WINGS

Do you know why flies have wings?
So they can beat the hicks to the watermelon.




01-05-08 - WHAT IS?

What's 6 inches long , 2 inches wide, and thrills women?
Money!




01-04-08 - FOUR WORMS

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
First worm - dead
Second worm - dead.
Third worm - dead.
Fourth worm - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!




01-03-08 - 1 1/2 POUNDS

How do you get 1 1/2 pounds of meat out of a fly?
You unzip it!




01-02-08 - FEMALE REINDEER

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go to town and blow a couple of bucks.




01-01-08 - TATTOO PARLOUR

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."
The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"
"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays." 12-31-07 - WHAT DO YOU GET?

What do you get when you mix cigarettes with hot water?
A soggy butt.




12-30-07 - WHAT'S WORSE?

What's worse than having termites in your piano?
Crabs on your organ.




12-29-07 - MAN WANTED

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"




12-28-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if your wife yells, 'Come on, move this transmission so I can take a bath!'




12-27-07 - LAWYERS AND WHORES

How are lawyers like whores?
They both get paid to screw people.




12-26-07 - UGLY

Yo Mama is so ugly, she entered an ugly contest and the judges said, "Sorry no professonals."




12-25-07 - BLONDE

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno
. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"




12-24-07 - GEORGE DUBYA

Q: What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.




12-23-07 - 3 VAMPIRES

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."




12-22-07 - FAMOUS COFFEE

What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan?
Osama bin Latte




12-21-07 - NURSE

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
The head Nurse!




12-20-07 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies"




12-19-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if when you walk the dog you both use the same bush.




12-18-07 - HEAVEN

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to heaven, my son.''
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''




12-17-07 - VIAGRA

Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viagra to the old men living there?
It's to keep them from rolling out of bed.




12-16-07 - CONFUCIOUS SAY

Confucious say: 'Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk."




12-15-07 - BLONDE

What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
Great work, team!




12-14-07 - LACERATION

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President. The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."




12-13-07 - MASTURBATING

One day a man walked in on his son masturbating. He said, "Now son, if you don't stop masterbuting, you'll go blind!" The son replies, "Hey dad! I'm over here!"




12-11-07 - MONICA

How did we know that Monica would testify?
Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed.




12-10-07 - PANTS

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."
"They don't."
"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.
"I can't get into these."
"And you won't, either, with that attitude."




12-09-07 - ROOMMATES

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over and to try to keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfrend will say tomato if she wants him to go slower and lettuce for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "lettuce,lettuce, tomato, tomato!" The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night, you got mayonaise in my eye!"




12-08-07 - WHAT'S BLACK?

Q: What's black and sits on the roof?
A: A paraplegic after a house fire.




12-07-07 - TWO THINGS

What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
Her feet!




12-06-07 - ANNA

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.




12-05-07 - AUNT JEMIMA

How does Aunt Jemima turn on the Pilsbury Doughboy?
She squeezes his doughnuts!




12-04-07 - STOLEN CREDIT CARD

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.




12-03-07 - OUT-OF-TOWNER

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"




12-02-07 - STAGECOACH

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."




12-01-07 - TWO NEWFIES

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.
He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"




11-30-07 - PRIVATE

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."




11-29-07 - TWO HUNTERS

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"




11-28-07 - REDNECK

You know your a redneck if...
Flannel is your favorite color.




11-27-07 - REDNECK

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'
'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'




11-25-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if...
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.




11-24-07 - TWO POLICE OFFICERS

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"




11-23-07 - CONSTRUCTION WORKER

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."




11-22-07 - FARMER

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."




11-21-07 - YO MAMA

Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.




11-19-07 - MINISTER

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."




11-18-07 - REDNECK

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."




11-18-07 - REDNECK

You might be a reneck if...
You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.




11-17-07 - PATIENT DOCTOR

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.




11-16-07 - EVIL ATHEIST

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."




11-15-07 - PRIVATE

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."




11-14-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if..
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"




11-13-07 - MOMMY MOMMY

Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!




11-12-07 - SPEEDING

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"




11-11-07 - I LOVE LIVER AND CHEESE

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."




11-10-07 - BLIND MAN

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."




11-09-07 - RECOVERING ADDICTS

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.




11-08-07 - PROCTOLOGICAL EXAM

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."




11-07-07 - TWO LINES

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."




11-06-07 - ELDERLY COUPLE

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"




11-05-07 - SPILLED HIS GUTS

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."




11-04-07 - THREE BUDDIES DIE

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"




11-03-07 - BABY BROTHER OR SISTER

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"




11-01-07 - CHICKEN

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."




10-31-07 - UNITED AIRLINES

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch."




10-30-07 - WOMAN'S WATCH

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!




10-29-07 - AIRPLANE

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.




10-28-07 - TWO COWBOYS

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."




10-27-07 - TWO COWBOYS

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."




10-26-07 - HEAVEN

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.
walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the New Yorkers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."




10-25-07 - TOUR OF HEAVEN

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"




10-24-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if you you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.




10-23-07 - PEARLY GATES

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."




10-22-07 - CHEATING

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you.''
He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''
The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?''
The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?''
His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?''
''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time... I kinda...''
''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''
The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?''
She nodded. ''One more.''
The husband leaned forward. ''Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes...?''




10-21-07 - ZIPPER IS UNDONE

A woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open". Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle bags"




10-20-07 - NURSING HOME

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."




10-19-07 - BLIND MAN

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."




10-18-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if...
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"




10-17-07 - FARMER'S SON

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."




10-16-07 - A GUY IN PARIS

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."




10-15-07 - STORMS AND ANCHORS

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."




10-14-07 - POLICE STORY

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."




10-13-07 - TWO MEN DIED

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"




10-12-07 - FROG

A frog went to get a loan at a bank.
The loan officer's name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.
He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said "this is what I have for colateral".
She took it to the bank president and said "there's a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel)".
She said "do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan"? The bank president said "why, that's a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan".




10-11-07 - SCARED

Q: Why are people so scared about the current administration?
A: Because we're being ruled by a Bush, a Dick, and a Colin.




10-10-07 - BEAR HUNTING

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"




10-09-07 - A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''




10-08-07 - SOLDIER IN HONG KONG

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."




10-07-07 - CLINTON

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."




10-06-07 - HARD AND HAIRY

What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, begins with the letter 'c' ends with the letter 't' and has the letters 'u' & 'n' in the middle?
A coconut. ...




10-05-07 - TOY FACTORY

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."




10-04-07 - WORST JOB

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, ''Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world.'' Then the toilet paper comes and replies sarcasticly, ''Yeah right.''




10-03-07 - NO TRUTH

There is no truth to the rumor that the Florida Orange Growers have offered O.J. Simpson $3 million to change his name to Snapple....




10-02-07 - LAST THING

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
It's ass.




10-01-07 - JOE AND JOHN

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."




09-30-07 - TWO PRETZELS

Two pretzels walk into a bar and one is assaulted.




09-29-07 - HEAVEN

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to heaven, my son.''
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''




09-28-07 - OSAMA

Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai?
He wanted to see the burning Bush.




09-27-07 - REDNECK

Q: How does a redneck take a bubblebath?
A: He farts in a puddle.




09-26-07 - ASSIGNMENT

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."




09-25-07 - TWO CHILDREN

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."




09-24-07 - MARTHA STEWART

Why did Martha Stewart cross the road?
To avoid the throngs of unwashed working class trash shopping for her line of sweatshop manufactured luxury crap sold at local discount retail bacteria farms.




09-23-07 - LEAVING THE USA

Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't get a visa. One day, she met a man who told her not to dispair.
"l'll let you sneak aboard my captain's ship and take you to France, but you have to screw me every time I bring you food, okay?"
She accepted, and for about three months the guy brought her food and water and then she screwed him. This went on for about 3 months, at which point she was discovered by the captain. The captain asked what she was doing and she said a man was taking her to France if she screwed him every time he brought her food.
The captain replied, "He sure is screwing you - this is the New York Ferry."




09-22-07 - JOE

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."




09-21-07 - JACK AND BETTY

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"




09-20-07 - YOU WANT TO TRY IT?

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker. The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"




09-19-07 - NEAR DEATH

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.
The other day she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground.
Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.




09-18-07 - INVISIBLE CARROTS

What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!




09-17-07 - YO MAMA

Yo mama so ugly, that when she wore Pepper Jack panties, even the rats wouldn't eat her.




09-16-07 - NURSING HOME

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."




09-15-07 - REDNECK

You know you're a redneck if you're part of the KKK, but you can't spell it.




09-14-07 - REDNECK GIRL AND UNABOMBER

What does a redneck girl and the Unabomber have in common?
They've both been fingered by their brothers.




09-13-07 - WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."




09-12-07 - DEFINATELY

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."




09-11-07 - TWO ITALIAN MEN

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''




09-10-07 - VERY UGLY

There once was a very rich man who was very ugly. No one ever wanted to sleep with him, so he decided to drive around in his limo until he found somebody. Soon, he spotted a passed-out bum on the street. He quickly ran out, screwed the bum in the ass, left him fifty bucks, and drove off.
A few hours later, the bum woke up, found the fifty bucks, bought a six-pack of Molson, drank them all, and passed out again.
The next day, the rich man returned, found the bum again passed out, screwed him in the ass, and left him a hundred bucks. Astonished by the money when he woke up, the bum bought two six-packs, drank them down, and passed out again.
The next day, the rich man did the same thing to the bum, but this time left him a hundred fifty bucks. When the bum woke up, he went to the store and bought a six-pack of Labatt's.
"Labatt's?" asked the store clerk. "You always buy Molson."
"I know," said the bum. "But Molson makes my ass hurt."




09-09-07 - STOP SMOKING

What do you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Use more lube.




09-08-07 - PREGNANT BLONDE

Q: What does the blonde say to the doctor when she finds out she's pregnant?
A: Is it mine?




09-07-07 - HILLARY

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''




09-06-07 - JACK

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack was very optimistic -- even if a situation was terrible, Jack could always think of a way it could be worse. Everyone in the town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to to lie to Jack.
"Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't that terrible?"
"Sure, it's terrible, but it could've been worse!"
"How could THAT possibly have been worse?"
"Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"




09-05-07 - FOUR BOYS

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."




09-04-07 - IN COMMON

Q: What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?
A: One prick and they're done.




09-03-07 - NEW MINT FLAVOUR

Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They're called "Predickamints!"




09-02-07 - HELL OF A DAY

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"




09-01-07 - CHOKING

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."




08-31-07 - BELLY BUTTON

Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly button, in its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. He would have to live with it.
The years passed, and they were hard on the boy, as everyone who saw the screw made fun of him. Then one day, whenhe was fully grown, a mysteroius stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. The man was thrilled. The next day he took his life savings and bought a ticket to Tibet.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a huge monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He told the man to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
That night the man went to the room and fell alseep. While he slept, a purple fog floated in through an open window bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.
The next morning when he woke, the man saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down he felt his navel. The scew was gone!
Jubilant, he leaped out of his bed and his butt fell off.




08-30-07 - COUGH

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"




08-29-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade!




08-28-07 - A PRIEST

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''




08-27-07 - ONE BURGER

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."




08-26-07 - SANTA

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."




08-25-07 - PIANO PLAYER WANTED

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard.
"That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?"
"That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Genitals.'"
"Oh. You know anything else?"
The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.
"It's called 'Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.'"
"Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs."
So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.
"Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?"
"Know it, pal?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"




08-24-07 - LOVER'S LANE

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''




08-23-07 - SADDAM

Q: What did Saddam Hussein have in common with his father?
A: Neither knew when to pull out!




08-22-07 - LAUGHING SMURFS

Why do the smurfs laugh when they frolic through the forest?
Because the grass tickles thier balls!




08-21-07 - THE BEST

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"




08-20-07 - YOUR MAMA

Yo mama so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck




08-19-07 - OVERWORKED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.




08-18-07 - MOTHER IN LAW

One day, a farmer's mother-in-law came down to his farm. A few days later, she was killed when the mule on the farm kicked her.
Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, some that the farmer didn't even know.
A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked, "Why are there so many people here?"
The farmer answered, "Oh, their not here for the funeral, they want to buy the mule."




08-17-07 - WOMAN IN BED

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."




08-16-07 - DUBYA

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."




08-15-07 - LITTLE GAY JOHNNY

Little gay Johnny asks Billy, "If you went camping and woke up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?
Billy says, "No way, that'd be embarassing".
Johnny then asks, "Wanna go camping?"




08-14-07 - HEAD STUCK IN A FENCE

Two guys were driving down the road when they saw a goat with its head stuck in a fence.
"Hey man pull over here," said one of the guys. "I want to go screw this goat." He does, and when he is done he says, "Okay, now it's your turn." So his friend sticks his own head in the fence.




08-13-07 - THREE DOCTORS

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."




08-12-07 - TWO CANADIAN GUYS

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."




08-11-07 - SLIGHTLY DEAF

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''
Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:
''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''




08-10-07 - LITTLE VOICE

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Oops.''




08-09-07 - DEAD BLONDE

Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.




08-08-07 - TWO WEEKS TO LIVE

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live".
The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"
The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".
"Just name it, I''''ll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day. The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?
The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."




08-07-07 - MESSAGE FROM SADDAM

Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.
The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning the message upside down ...




08-06-07 - AFTER SEX

A person was asked if he talked to his wife after having sex.....
the man replied : yea sure i do ..if can find the phone




08-05-07 - BLONDE

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a scoop of chocolate.
The brunette worker tells her they are all out of chocolate.
The blonde comes back later and asks again for a scoop of chocolate ice cream.
The brunette tells her, she doesn't have any chocolate ice cream, but the blonde doesn't believe her and asks to speak to the manager.
The brunette asks the blonde if she can spell the 'STRAW' in strawberry?
The blonde spells it correctly.
The brunette then asks if she can smell the 'FUCK' in chocolate.
The blonde begins to spell it, and stops, "Hey, there is no FUCK in chocolate."
The brunette then says, "Exactly, THERE IS NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!"




08-04-07 - OSAMA AND SADDAM

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"




08-03-07 - PARROTS

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"




08-02-07 - REDNECKS AND POSSUM

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.




08-01-07 - CAT AND TOAST

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?




07-31-07 - A KING AND HIS DONKEY

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.
Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.
The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."
When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."




07-30-07 - THREE GIRL FRIENDS

I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!
The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.
I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.




07-29-07 - PUT THESE ON

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."




07-28-07 - TWO BLONDES

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,
"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"




07-27-07 - STATE OF THE ART

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"




07-26-07 - ON A BUS

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."




07-25-07 - FAT MAMA

Yo mama so fat, when she jumped into the ocean the whales started singing, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"




07-24-07 - MAGICAL FAIRYLAND

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy.
The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish.
The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away.
The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn.
The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish.
She panics.
"Crap!"




07-23-07 - NAME THAT ANIMAL

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.




07-21-07 - MICHAEL JACKSON

Michael Jackson and Debbie were in the maternity ward just after Debbie gave birth to their first child.
Michael asked her "How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?"
Debbie replied, "Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!"




07-20-07 - HONEY

This guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care-just get the hell out!"




07-19-07 - YOUR MAMA

Your mama's so hairy her knees have bangs.




07-18-07 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

What's the similarity between a woman and dog poop?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.




07-17-07 - MOMMY MOMMY

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.




07-16-07 - HILLARY

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''




07-15-07 - CONFUCIUS SAY

Confucius say, "Virginity like bubble; One prick - all gone!"




07-14-07 - FAITHFUL CAT

Once upon a time, a woman had a faithful cat. And one day, a guy ran over the cat with his horse drawn carriage. So, the man went to the old woman and said..
"I'm terribly sorry about your cat. I'd like to replace him."
"That so nice of you!" said the old woman, deeply touched.
"So how good are you at catching mice?"




07-13-07 - NEW ZEALAND

Why do New Zealand horses run so fast?
Because they saw what happened to the sheep!




07-12-07 - DENTIST

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."




07-11-07 - DIE WITH YOUR SHOES ON

Did you hear about the Blonde who wanted to die with her shoes on so she wouldn't hurt her toes when she kicked the bucket?




07-10-07 - BLONDE

If a Blonde throws a pin at you, what is the best thing to do?
Run like hell, chances are she'll be holding a hand grenade in her mouth!




07-09-07 - OLD MRS BROWN

A man and his young son were sitting in there home one morning when thefather turned to his son and said, "Son, run across the street and see how old Mrs. Brown is this morning."
A few moments later the boy returned. "Pa," he reported, "Mrs. Brownsays it's none of your fucking business how old she is."




07-08-07 - A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE

A Blonde and a Brunette were on a two person bike and having difficulties riding up a steep hill.
Finally they reached the top and the Brunette turned to the Blonde saying, "I didn't think we would EVER make it to the top!"
"Yeah," replied the Blonde "and its a good thing I kept the brakes on or we would have rolled back down!"




07-06-07 - THREE BLONDES

Three blondes were standing one on top of the other, trying to measure a flag pole.
A man passing by called over to them, "Why dont you just lay the pole down on the ground, and then measure it?"
The top-most blonde replied "We are wanting to measure the height," she called down to the man "Not the length!"




07-05-07 - BOBBY & PEGGY SUE

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'




07-04-07 - CAPTAIN BRAVO

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''




07-03-07 - LAST FIGHT

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"




07-02-07 - HIGHWAY EMPLOYEE

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"




07-01-07 - SELF EXAM

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION...
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only suks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.




06-30-07 - NEW WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Then this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year ... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo???
It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He didn't call back. I bet he felt dumb!!!




06-29-07 - WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drinks orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."




06-28-07 - NEW BOYFRIEND

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem the little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted




06-27-07 - PREACH TO A BEAR

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation. "
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."




06-26-07 - SOLDIER AND A NUN

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
“Thank you”, the nun replied, "If you had of looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq , either."




06-25-07 - TASTE TEST

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"




06-24-07 - INSANE

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''




06-23-07 - BOB

Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 'Hello?', says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone'?
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.
After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!'
'Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do ... put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house'.
'Okay, Daddy'.
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy!' '
And what happened?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead'.
'Oh, my God .... and what about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too'.
There is a long pause, then Bob says ...........'Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?!!!




06-22-07 - FAT FELLOW

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his 'thing' in 15 years."
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color is it now?"




06-21-07 - FAIRY

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her 3 wishes.
''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted.
''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted.
''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and were madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her.
''Aren''t you upset you had me fixed?''




06-20-07 - NURSE NANCY

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, ?earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''




06-19-07 - MOOSE HUNTERS

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "You're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!" The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked




06-18-07 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"




06-17-07 - PHARMACOLOGY

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.




06-16-07 - JOHN THOMAS

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan.
Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his John Thomas.
Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with a hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.
After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.
After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain.
So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.
He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his John Thomas immersed in in the glass of milk.
With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"!




06-15-07 - PASTOR'S ASS

The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
Following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop was absolutely beside himself. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
The bishop fainted. He ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
Next day's headline:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day




06-14-07 - BUBBA

Bubba, a furniture dealer from College Station , Texas , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in College Station .
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her. He took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.




06-13-07 - JESUS?

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus
my brother? "The drunk again answers, "No, haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again
--- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?
(Are ya ready for this???????? ????????? ?) The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, " Are you sure this is where he fell in?"




06-12-07 - STUDYING IS BETTER THEN SEX

Why studying is better than sex.
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.




06-11-07 - A DOCTOR

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."




06-10-07 - A LITTLE KID

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"




06-09-07 - HOSPITAL TOUR

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."




06-08-07 - NUDIST COLONY

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "did you call for me?"
The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.
"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.
"Here's my members hip card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."




06-07-07 - ALABAMA PREACHER

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. " Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!




06-06-07 - ALTERBOY

As the alterboy is leaving to go home, the priest says. "See you later aligator" the alterboy replies "In a while pedophile".




06-05-07 - 20 YEARS

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"




06-04-07 - PETER AND ALFRED

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers; and after many years they decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers.
After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on, she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."
"I quit," said Ethel.
"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"
"Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say... "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"




06-03-07 - COWS

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to breed them, so he hired his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends. "Hey, Dad?" said the boy. "The bull just fucked the brown cow."
The room went silent. The father excused himself and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You could say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."
After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Dad?"
"Let me guess," said the father, "the bull surprised the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again."




06-02-07 - FATHER FLAHERTY

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said,"Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh , very well, Fath! er!"
The Father asked, " Tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"
She replied, "E 's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."




06-01-07 - CROSS EYED BEAR

A mother asked her young daughter what they did in Sunday school that day. "We sang a song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly" came the reply. Amused but confused, the mother inquired of the pastor the following sunday just what song her daughter was refering to. "Oh" said the pastor, "She must have been refering to the hym "Gladly the cross I bear."




05-31-07 - SAND

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"




05-30-07 - THREE PRIESTS

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to Titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"




05-29-07 - AN ASIAN MAN

An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"
The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"




05-28-07 - NEW ELEMENT

New Element Found: Bushcronium
The densest element yet known to science has been discovered. The new element has been named "Bushcronium".
Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 911.
These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is "W."
Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as these morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming a large cluster of idiotopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a critical mass also known as "Critical Morass."
When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element radiating several orders of magnitude more energy, mostly as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.




05-27-07 - BLONDES

A blonde goes through town digging a hole, followed by a second blonde filling it in...digging, filling....digging, filling....a passerby notices this and curiosity wins out...he walks up and says, "Excuse me, could you tell me what you're doing?"
One of the blondes answers, "Well we usually work as a three-some. but the one who plants the trees took the day off."

05-26-07 - GEORGE DUBYA

George Dubya
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and people, and neither do we."
- Washington, D.C.; Aug. 5, 2004




05-25-07 - JOHNNY

Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs.
So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes."
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs.
After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes."
Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "Yes."
So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs.
After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes."
So she took them out. Johnny continued to stand there with a sly shit eating grin on his face.
When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong?
Johnny looked up at her and replied "My ears are cold too!"




05-24-07 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".




05-23-07 - THE SMITHS

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"




05-22-07 - THIEF

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."




05-21-07 - FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

It was the first day of school and the teacher was getting acquainted with her students. She went down the line asking each one what their Father did for a living. She came to little Johnny and asked, "Johnny, what does your daddy do?" "MY daddy's dead", came the reply. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that" said the teacher. "What did he do before he died??" Grabbing his neck, Johnny blurted "He went Aaaaargh!!"




05-20-07 - THREE CONTRACTORS

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 24 Sussex. One from Alberta, another from Newfoundland and the third, Quebec. They go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Albertan contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 Profit for me.
The Newfie contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'
The Quebec contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The governement official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Quebec contractor whispers back, '$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the Newfie to fix the fence.'
'Done!' replies the government official.




05-19-07 - JOHNNY

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.
The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."
"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"
Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."




05-18-07 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

05-17-07 - SNAKE AND BUNNY

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'
'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.'
'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'
'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, and no backbone. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.'




05-16-07 - THREE WOMEN

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera -- we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my Husband didn't buy me a new Mercedes -- he bought me a second-hand Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."




05-15-07 - DENTIST

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"




05-14-07 - A LITTLE KID

A little kid runs in after a day at school:
"Mummy, mummy, someone at school called me a sissy!"
"So what did you do dear?" asks his mother.
"I hit him with my handbag!"




05-13-07 - ELEPHANT AND TURTLE

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".




05-12-07 - GEORGE

An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"
"Oh my Lord!" Ethel exclaimed. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"




05-11-07 - FEELING LIKE A WOMAN

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".




05-10-07 - DON'T TRUST

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!




05-09-07 - TWO WORDS

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!




05-08-07 - O'CONNELL

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"




05-07-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if...
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.




05-06-07 - COLONOSCOPIES

An physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"




05-05-07 - THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY

Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't
I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put this in my box before you leave.
I want it on my desk now!
Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid.
My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!
It's an entry level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!




05-04-07 - CANADIAN

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."




05-03-07 - TWO DRUNKS

Two drunks were sitting in a gay bar when one of them notices a hot man sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that guy."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask him, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the hot man and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the hot guy says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend.
"So what did he say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "He said he's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in his pants."




05-02-07 - 3 WISHES

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"




05-01-07 - SARGEANT CLARK

Sergeant Clark was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Rogers noticed that Sergeant Clark had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Clark's sales pitch. Clark explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now", he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"




04-30-07 - A STRANGER

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"




04-29-07 - RICHARDSON TEXAS

In Richardson Texas a State Trooper was running radar.
He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.
Then he discovered the problem.
A 12 year old boy was standing up the north end of the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the south end of the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.




b>04-28-07 - TWO EAGLES

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,Where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute And then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians Running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean water; women did all the work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough think he improve system like that




04-27-07 - CANCER

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS." The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."




04-26-07 - FIRST TIME

A son tells his dad he just had sex for the first time
his dad grabs two beers and congradulates him
he says "congrats... any questions?"
the son replies "yes... how long is my ass gonna hurt?"




04-25-07 - VAMPIRE BAT

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"




04-24-07 - MEN

Men are like parking spaces - the best are taken the rest seemed to be marked handicapped....




04-23-07 - NEW STAMP

The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of George W. Bush to honor his first-term achievements.
In daily use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.




04-22-07 - WHY IS IT?

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.




04-21-07 - BUSH

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message : 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
Still with no clue as to its meaning, America's finest spooks eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down"




04-20-07 - COLD WATER

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tin! y specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are yo u sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"




04-19-07 - OLD MAN AND WOMAN

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......" My kinda woman




04-18-07 - FINAL EXAM

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."




04-17-07 - DUST

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued, but at that moment a very obedient four-year daughter who was listening very intently leaned over and asked quite audibly in her shrill little-girl voice, "Mommy, what is 'butt dust'?"




04-16-07 - STEALING?

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.




04-15-07 - LIFESAVER

A professer from the Washington State University was doing a test on children, so he brought in a bunch of first graders then he gave each of them a lifesaver all the kids got the same colour at the same time.
Red=Cherry
Green=Lime
Orange=Orange
Yellow=Lemon
Then he gave them all a honey flavored one after a while all the children couldn't figure it out so the professer gives them a hint "This is something your mommy might call your daddie"
Then one little girl looked at the professer and the other children in horror then she yells "Spit them out thery're assholes"




04-14-07 - LOUISIANA

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)




04-13-07 - CONFUCIUS

Confucius say.. man who smoke pot might choke on handle.




04-12-07 - GAY WEDDING

Etiquette Tips For The Gay Male Wedding
1. On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3. It's customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the ceremony.
4. Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating wedding cake because it's all carbs.
5. It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6. During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or handheld lasers.
7. For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8. The father of the Bottom pays for everything!




04-11-07 - MEAN ACTING WOMAN

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart! Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike? " "No, ma'am." replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice!!"




04-10-07 - THREE BLONDES

Three blondes (natural, of course) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Blondes!," and he sent her to Limbo.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he sent her to Limbo.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St Peter fainted




4-09-07 - DIFFERENCE

What's the diffrence between a slut and a bitch?
a slut will sleep with anyone.......a bitch will sleep with anyone EXCEPT you




4-08-07 - WABBIT

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."




4-05-07 - A WOMAN'S AGE

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"




4-04-07 - CONTAGIOUS

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.
"Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."




4-02-07 - GEORGE BUSH

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room and in it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No." George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, swing, swing, time after time.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No." I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day." commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
In it was Bill Clinton lying on a bed with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagled pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while then finally said, "Yeah, I reckon I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"




4-01-07 - TRADITION

All of his life George, a blond male from Newfoundland had heard stories of a family tradition. It seems that his father and grandfather had been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father and his father before him?"
Granny looked into George's big blue eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."




3-31-07 - HEARING AID

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."




3-29-07 - Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant nt. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."




3-28-07 - COWS

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."




3-27-07 - JACK AND JILL

Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide which one to lay off because they were both really good workers.
One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off."
Jill replied, "Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a headache........" .




3-26-07 - VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yea God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.




3-25-07 - LEGS

Could I name your legs?
The right leg will be Christmas and the left leg will be called Thanksgiving.
Now can I come and visit you between holidays?




3-25-07 - EULOGY

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge 7-foot wide heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.




3-24-07 - DECOY

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Escanaba , Michigan after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Yooper. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."




3-23-07 - CADILLAC

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"




3-22-07 - IN LAWS

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and either of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."




3-19-07 - HICCUPS

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, " What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"




3-18-07 - SINK

Q: What happened to the blonde that was tap dancing?
A: She fell in the sink.




3-17-07 - THE GATES

Liberace, Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana all turn up at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St Peter explains to them that currently he only has room for one and asks all three of them to justify their claims for entry into Heaven.
Liberace starts off: "Well, I deserve a place because in my time I was a great entertainer and gave pleasure to millions of people. I wore beautiful costumes that delighted the eye and gave lots of money to charity."
"I too was hugely popular for my music-making and had followers in their millions throughout the world; many charities benefited from my generosity - I think I should get into Heaven," says Freddie.
At that, St Peter pronounces: "Well, I'm sorry boys - Diana, you're in."
"Why is that?" protest Liberace and Freddie.
"Well," explains Peter, "everyone knows that a royal flush beats two queens any time."




3-16-07 - ACCIDENT

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."




3-14-07 - CHICKEN

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake.
You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"




3-13-07 - LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered." So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!" As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said... "NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."




3-12-07 - TWENTY YEARS

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"




3-11-07 - ORANGE

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."




3-10-07 - MOTHER IN LAW

I hate my mother-in-law.
Last week we had a really nasty argument.
I did some terrible things.
I probably should apologize but I really don't feel like digging her up just for that.




3-9-07 - DISCRIMINATION

A first-grade class comes in from recess, and the teacher asks a little girl what she did outside.
“I played in the sandbox,” she says.
“That’s good,” replies the teacher. “Go to the blackboard, and if you can write sand correctly, I’ll give you a cookie.”
The girl gets her treat, and the teacher asks a boy wearing a turban what he did during recess. “I tried to play in the sandbox, but everyone threw rocks at me,” he says.
“That’s blatant racial discrimination!” says the teacher. “And if you can write blatant racial discrimination on the board, you’ll get a cookie.”




3-8-07 - PRIESTS

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg.
Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.
Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to Titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"




3-7-07 - NUDIST COLONY

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. . . . it makes your nose look too short."
Love, Grandma




3-6-07 - LORD NELSON

Lord Nelson was on his way out to sea when he was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
"Lord Nelson, Lord Nelson, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the Lord Nelson, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest and bring me my red shirt."
The first mate did so, and, wearing his bright red shirt, the Lord Nelson exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
The next day, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
"Lord Nelson, Lord Nelson, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the Lord Nelson the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show and the crew continues to fight without fear."
More days passed and they were nearing the Spanish coast, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the Spanish Armada were approaching!
"Lord Nelson, Lord Nelson, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the Lord Nelson commanded "FIRST MATE.... BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!"




3-5-07 - LIMERICK

there was a young man from Spleen
who invented a wanking machine
on the 99th stroke
the fucking thing broke
and whiped his balls to cream




3-4-07 - FART

A guy walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly he spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it
As he bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped him. Embarrassed, he anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.
But, as he turned back, there, standing next to him, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Sir, How may I help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, he smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."




3-3-07 - ELECTRIC SEX

Sitting in their favorite gay bar, an elderly gay man in a VERY long term relationship leans over and asks his partner, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern, where you leaned against the back fence and I did you."
"Yes," his partner replies, "I remember it well."
"How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you horny old fart, that sounds like a great idea!"
An off-duty bartender sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old guys going at it against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." He proceeds to follow them.
The couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support and balance, aided by their walking sticks. Finally, at the rear of the tavern, they make their way to the back fence. The partner drops his pants while the other unzips. As his partner leans against the fence, Charlie moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the bartender has ever seen. They are acting like two teenaged studs, really going at it! This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The bartender was amazed. He has learned something about life and prejudging his elderly patrons. He has just witnessed something that he didn't know was possible. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the twosome struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The bartender is still watching and thinks to himself, this was truly amazing; I've got to find out their secret. As the men are slowly finishing getting dressed, he asks them, "Excuse me gentlemen, but that was really something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Still shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't a damn electric fence."




3-2-07 - FLY OPEN

Most Polite Ways to Say Your Fly Is Open........ .
12. Zip zip zippity do dah!!
11. You left the barn upen, the horse might get out.
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.




3-1-07 - LIMERICK

There was a young man from Saint Paul
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Just for a stunt
He went dressed as a cunt,
And was fucked by a dog in the hall.




2-28-07 - HILLARY

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smilinghappily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."




2-27-07 - UZI

Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.




2-26-07 - PREGNANT

A mother told her little daughter not to eat too much chocolate, otherwise she would get fat.
Later that day, whilst traveling on a bus, the little girl spotted a very pregnant lady sitting a few seats away. With a knowing look on her face, the little girl went up to the mother-to-be and said in a very loud voice "I know what you've been doing!"




2-25-07 - ICE CREAM

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"




2-24-07 - HERMAN'S ARMY

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a Pennsylvania man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day he was issued a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap...
The Army has been looking for him for 51 years…




2-23-07 - MUJIBAR

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.




2-22-07 - EXCELLENT TRADE

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.
I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."




2-21-07 - ADORABLE LITTLE SHIT

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love, and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live ?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine, and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then, how will you live ? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week, and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment, trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
Finally, Mr. Smith says, "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own ?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little shit is adorable.




2-20-07 - HEADACHES

This man is suffering from extreme headaches so he goes to his doctor.
Man: Doctor I seem to be having these bad headaches and nothing I do seems to cure them.
Doctor: Well, one thing I always do to relieve my headaches is put my head between my wifes tits and go prrrrrrrrrrrr with my lips. (Try to imagine the sound)
Man: Thanks doc, I think I'll try it.
Two weeks pass and the man goes back to his doctor.
Doctor: Well, have your headaches cleared up?
Man: They sure have. I tried what you said. And by the way I love the wall paper in your home!




2-19-07 - POLITICIAN

An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too . But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy,"the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Politician!"




2-18-07 - ORGANIST

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking Through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"




2-17-07 - AMERICANS

The train was crowded, so a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked: "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted: "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked: "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up: "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!".




2-16-07 - 24 HOURS

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?
" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"




2-15-07 - CRABS

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted!
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."




2-14-07 - EYESIGHT

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's still perfect".
He never heard the shot...........




2-13-07 - MARRIAGE

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of KNeedeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, Were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.




2-12-07 - NUTS

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold. If he does, you're finished"; the Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."




2-11-07 - PRAYERS

A man was praying to god.
He said, "God ?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, "God can I have a penny ?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!...... . just a second. "




2-10-07 - ICE CREAM TRUCK

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"




2-9-07 - GHANDI

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.




2-8-07 - VIAGRA

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answered, "I don't really know....
I had to go to the bathroom.... ....So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"




2-7-07 - FUZZ

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."




2-6-07 - DEAD CAT

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"




2-5-07 - AFTER LIFE

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..."
Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"Well, what is it like?"
Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day."
So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."




2-4-07 - HUNTING

Two guys go hunting.
Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"




2-3-07 - HUNG

A man was lounging in the summer on his recliner in the summer watching his TV. The umbrella on the table was up to keep him in the shade. He was drinking a beer and eating from several snack dishes. His wife was mowing the lawn. From time-to-time she came over to adjust the umbrella so the man stayed in the shade. She also checked to see if his beer was empty and got another from the cooler and opened it. If the cooler looked like it was empty, she ran into the house and got more beer and ice for the cooler. She also checked to make sure he had plenty of snacks on the table and ran into the house for more if he ran out of anything. All the man did was sit there, watch TV, drink his beer, eat his snacks, and switch channels to different sporting events. When his wife finished with mowing the yard, she started trimming the shrubs and trees. Then she edged all of the sidewalks, all the time keeping her eye on her husband and making sure hat he always had a cold beer on the table, his beer cooler was full, he had plenty of snacks, and he was always in the shade. Finally, his neighbor, who had been watching the whole affair, had seen enough. He came over to the man in and said. “You really are an asshole. Your wife has worked her fingers to the bone mowing the lawn, trimming the shrubs and trees and edging all of the sidewalks while she waits on you hand and foot by keeping you in the shade and keeping your cooler full, keeping a cold beer and snacks on your table. You ought to be hung.” The man smiled, looked up at the neighbor and said, “I am.”




2-2-07 - LAY 'EM RIGHT

Q: What do men and linoleum have in common?
A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.




2-1-07 - 2040

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.




1-31-07 - CONVICT

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"




1-30-07 - SNOW

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Ohio were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time




1-29-07 - 50 YEARS

A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary.
They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening.
The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.
Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked.
The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."




1-27-07 - REUSABLE

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."




1-26-07 - HONEST LAWYER

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.




1-25-07 - BAR

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"
The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'




1-24-07 - ARRESTED

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.




1-23-07 - EINSTEIN

Einstein's birthday is March 14. He would now be 127. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.




1-22-07 - DIRTY MIND

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."




1-21-07 - LEFT BREAST

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.




1-20-07 - MALE VAGINA

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.




1-19-07 - DOOR BELL

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little fellow just can't reach. After watching the boy's sorry efforts for some time as he moves closer to the boy's position, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the urchin replies, "Now we run like Hell!"




1-18-07 - MIKE TYSON'S DOG

Q. What has four legs and no ears?
A. Mike Tyson's dog.




1-17-07 - CUB SCOUTS

What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub Scouts.




1-16-07 - RODEO FUCK

Do you know what a rodeo fuck is?
Your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend gets on all fours. You mount up, making sure you have a good grip. Then you say, "Honey, you're the worst piece of ass I ever had!"
Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.




1-15-07 - WOOF

A man walks into a pet shop and asks "do you have any dogs going cheap?"
The owner replies "No all mine go woof, now fuck off"




1-14-07 - ARRESTED

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.




1-13-07 - FLIGHT

After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from St.John's Newfoundland to Toronto Ontario. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sitback, relax and . . . .. OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
One Newfie passenger yelled out , "Yeah, well you should see the back of mine!"




1-12-07 - CASTRATED

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Holy Shit! THAT'S the word!”




1-11-07 - TEN COMMANDMENTS

Did you hear how Moses got the ten commandments? God was coming down the mountain and the first person he came across was not Moses. It was a Roman.
He asked the Roman if he wanted any commandments? The Roman replied, What's a commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not kill."
The Roman replied, "Hell no! We're a warring nation. That's how we make our living."
So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was a nomadic tribesman. He asked this guy if he wanted a commandment. The guy replied, "What's a commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not steal."
The guy said, "Hell no! That's how we make our living." So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was Moses with a bunch of little Jews following him.
God asked Moses, "Do you want any commandments?" Moses asked, "How much are they?" God said, "They're free." Moses replied "Yea sure, we'll take ten....."




1-10-07 - HOT DOG

Two gentlemen are driving down the interstate and decide to stop at a Truck Stop for dinner. They sit at the counter and when the waitress arrives, both gentlemen order hamburgers.
The waitress promptly goes to the freezer, pulls out two patties, and places one each under each arm. When asked what the hell is going on, she calmly explains that they have no way to defrost the patties since the microwave is broken.
Send one man to the other, "Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't order a hotdog."




1-9-07 - HORNY EAGLE

An eagle was feeling rather horny, so he swooped down on a dove and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the dove said, "I'm a dove and I like love."
The eagle thought, "Stuff that," and tossed the dove out of the nest. Then the eagle spotted an owl. So he swooped down on the owl and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the owl said, "I'm an owl and I like to howl."
The eagle thought, "Stuff that," and tossed the owl out of the nest. Then the eagle spotted an duck. So he swooped down on the duck and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the duck said, "I'm a drake and I think you've made a mistake!"




1-8-07 - MEET NEW PEOPLE

Q: What is the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
A: You meet so many new people.




1-7-07 - PERVERT

Q:Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because he was stuck to the chicken.




1-6-07 - JOIN THE ARMY

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.




1-5-07 - GRAVY

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy




1-4-07 - 24

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?




1-3-07 - MAKE YOUR BED

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.




1-2-07 - FORGIVENESS

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.




1-1-07 - PERIOD

Sometimes a more discreet euphemism for "being on your period" is preferable, such as...
Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara
Trolling for Vampires
A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
Saddling Old Rusty
Feelin' Menstru-riffic!
Clean-Up in Aisle One
Massacre at the Y
T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
Game Day for the Crimson Tide
Panty Shields Up, Captain!
Taking Carrie to the Prom
Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
Ordering l'Omelette Rouge
Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp
Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
Aunt Floe is visiting




12-31-06 - BLOW JOB

George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit; he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over the rights and needs of the population; he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward, the United States around the globe; he has ignored global warming, to the world's detriment; he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners; he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States; he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital national importance.
Now, would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach him?




12-30-06 - TRAILER TRASH

You know you're really trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.




12-29-06 - LIMERICK

There was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!




12-28-06 - LIMERICK

There was a young man from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.




12-27-06 - GIFTS

Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like
1. "I really don't deserve this."




12-26-06 - COPS

Q: How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
A: None. He fell.




12-25-06 - LIMERICK

There once was a woman named Jess
Bisexual, she would confess
She loved a good dick
but pussy she'd lick
and leave both a wet gooey mess




12-24-06 - GOLF

A man was playing golf on a course he hadn't played before and he became a bit confused as to where he was on the course. He saw a lady playing ahead of him so he walked over to her and explained his confusion and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
I'm on the 7th hole she said and as you are a hole behind me you must be on the 6th hole. He thanked her and carried on with his game.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
I'm on number 14 and your still a hole behind me so you are on the 13th hole she said.
After he finished his round he went to the clubhouse and saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He approached her and said "let me buy you a drink in appreciation of your help". They got talking and she asked him what he did, I'm in sales he said what do you do. Well I'm in sales too she said. He then asked her what she sold and she said "I'll tell you but you will probably laugh".
"No I won't he said, I promise not to laugh."
"Well if you must know I work for tampax"
With that he burst out laughing so he nearly fell off the bar stool.
"See", she said "I knew you'd laugh".
"Thats not what I'm laughing at" he said, "you see I'm a salesman for hemorroid cream, so I'm still a hole behind you."




12-23-06 - SCRAMBLED EGGS

What did the chicken say when it say scrambled eggs?
"Look at those mixed up kids!"




12-22-06 - LIMERICK

There once was a lady from Nizus,
Who had breasts of two different sizes,
One was small,
and round like a ball
And the other was big and won prizes




12-21-06 - LIMERICK

There was an old woman from leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn`t for fame,
or love of the game
but to get at the cheese underneath.




12-20-06 - SANTAS PICK UP LINES

Top Ten Santa Pick-up Lines
- 10 - "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."
- 9 - "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge."
- 8 - "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
- 7 - "One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
- 6 - "Buy you a Zima?"
- 5 - "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
- 4 - "Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
- 3 - "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"
- 2 - "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!"
- 1 - "I've got an elf in my pants!"




12-19-06 - 104 YEARS OLD

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104," the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."




12-18-06 - ELVES

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.




12-17-06 - DOBERMAN

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."




12-16-06 - NURSERY RHYME

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme




12-15-06 - XMAS CAROLS

Christmas Carols FOR THE DISTURBED
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and
Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle




12-14-06 - LIMERICK

There was a young man from Marsailles,
Who lived on clap-juice and snails,
When he couldn't afford these,
He lived on the cheese,
He scraped from his cock with his nails.




12-13-06 - LIMERICK

There was a young man from Iraq,
Which had holes down the side of his cock,
His boyfriend Umberto,
could play the concerto,
by Johannes Sebastian Bach.




12-12-06 - LIMERICK

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars".
He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing.
Confused, he keeps walking.
The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?".
His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".




12-11-06 - LIMERICK

My dorky ex-roommate Pierre
Once fell asleep in my chair
I pulled out my unit
Proceeded to tune it
And fired my load in his hair




12-10-06 - LIMERICK

I know of a horny boy Matt
Who played with a vampire bat
With his dick in his hand
His voice did command
"Try sucking the blood out of that!"




12-9-06 - LIMERICK

There once was a man from Kubot
who lived off of toe jam and snot,
when he had none of these,
he lived off the cheese,
from the tip of his grungy old cock.




12-8-06 - TRUE WARMTH

Friendship is like pissing your pants,
Everyone can see it but only you can feel it's true warmth.
Thank you for being the piss in my pants.




12-7-06 - BIGGER

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"




12-6-06 - CHRISTMAS PARTY

Three men were about to enter a private Christmas Party when they were met at the door by a large menacing figure of a man.
"In honor of the season," said the man, you must each show me something that symbolizes Christmas before I can allow you to pass."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass." replied the stranger.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." He was also allowed to pass.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. The grim figure looked at him with a raised eyebrow and snarled, "just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."




12-5-06 - VASELINE

A recently escaped convict is on the run from the law. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and, much to his surprise, finds a young married couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. But while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's dangerous! Did you see his prison tattoo? He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, do whatever he tells you, don't worry about me. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey!"
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he was gay, thought you were very cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey!"




12-4-06 - LIMERICK

There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who crossed the sea in a bucket,
And when she got there
They asked for a fare
So she pulled up her dress and said "FUCK IT"




12-3-06 - MIXED FEELING

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.




12-2-06 - STREAKERS

Mary and Linda were sitting in the retirement center game room. Mary said: "Let's cause some serious trouble. Let's take off all our clothes and go streaking down the hall". Linda thought that would be a great idea, so - in as much of a flash as they could at their age- they stripped down, and set off down the long hallway.
Ben and Jerry were sitting in the small checkers room at one part of the hall. They fell silent as Mary and Linda made their slow way past. There was a long pause and Ben and Jerry looked at each other.
"What the hell was that?" asked Jerry.
"I have no idea'. replied Ben, "but whatever it was, it certainly needed ironing."




12-1-06 - MORTUARY

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. " There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I switched the heads."




11-30-06 - COLIN

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.




11-29-06 - GET IN LINE

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man was so curious that he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife’s."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."




11-28-06 - CIRCUMCISION

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.




11-27-06 - LIMERICK

There was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!




11-26-06 - LIMERICK

There once was a man named Sprockett
Who walked with his hand in his pocket
He was able to hide
What he was doing inside
Till he shot off like a Fourth of July rocket.




11-24-06 - LIMERICK

There once was a man named Bob
He loved to show off his nob
He flashed it at Dave
And rubbed it on Jay
Who sucked it like corn on the cob




11-23-06 - LIMERICK

Here's to the girl named Louise
Who's pubic hair hung to her knees
the crabs came together,
and knitted a sweater
so in Winter her cunt would not freeze!




11-22-06 - LIMERICK

there was a young man from Spleen
who invented a wanking machine
on the 99th stroke
the fucking thing broke
and whiped his balls to cream




11-21-06 - DRAG

Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.




11-19-06 - BRAINS?

A six-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mum answered, "Not yet."




11-18-06 - WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"




11-17-06 - DOCTOR

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied, "the good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."




11-16-06 - FOOK OFF

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"




11-15-06 - GOOD NEWS

After his regular checkup, a man went back to the doctor.
"I have good news and bad news" the doctor told him.
"I'll take the good news first" the man responded.
"We're naming a disease after you"




11-14-06 - GOOD NEWS

After his regular checkup, a man went back to the doctor.
"I have good news and bad news" the doctor told him.
"I'll take the good news first" the man responded.
"We're naming a disease after you"




11-13-06 - JUST LAIDED

what did the egg say to the boiling water
It might take me awhile to get hard i was just laided an hour ago




11-12-06 - DATA TRANSFER

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear ?
A: Data transfer.




11-11-06 - LIMERICK

The breasts of a barmaid of Crale,
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille




11-10-06 - LIMERICK

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"




11-9-06 - BUBBA

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where?
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"




11-8-06 - UGLY

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!




11-7-06 - UGLY

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".
"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"




11-6-06 - BIGGER

Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over who's penis is longer.
Well the bar tender finally got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem.
He told them to stick their penis' on the bar and he'd tell them who's was bigger.
Well just as the put them up there, another gay guy walks in and yells "I'll have the buffet!"




11-5-06 - INVISIBLE

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.




11-4-06 - ADULTERY

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"




11-3-06 - FUDGESICKLE

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.
The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.
He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle!"




11-2-06 - UGLY

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.




11-1-06 - ANNIVERSARY

A blonde walks into a department store. She notices a metal cylindrical object on one of the display shelves. A salesperson walked by and asked if she needed help.
"What is this?," asked the blonde.
"It's a thermos," he responded.
"What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." he smiled.
Satisfied, the blonde walked to the counter and paid for it. A few days later the blonde was happily walking along with her purchased item, she ran into her blonde friend. "What did you buy?" her friend asked.
"Something called a thermos," the blonde said.
"What does it do?" her friend asked.
"Keeps cold things cold, and hot things hot."
"Oh" her friend replied "What do you have in it?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle"




10-31-06 - ANNIVERSARY

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really ticked off.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE"!
The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.




10-30-06 - FUNERAL DIRECTOR

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.




10-29-06 - RETIRED

Working people frequently ask me what I do to fill my days.
I went shopping the other day. I was only there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a Senior Citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a jerk.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires I called him a piece of dog s..t.
He finished the second ticket with a flourish and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 10 minutes.
The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.




10-28-06 - MORAL OF THE STORY

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said "Very good," the teacher replied.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched' .
"That was a fine story, Sarah", said the teacher.
"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the FUCK away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."




10-27-06 - CAPTAIN BRAVO

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate = ship, and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph.
One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"




10-26-06 - ICING

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.
He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".
"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".
"How did you know?" the boy asked.




10-25-06 - ICING

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."




10-24-06 - BROTHERS

One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.
They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.
John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him.
Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."
Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro"
John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.
Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.
Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!"
John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.
He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."
Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!"
Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."
And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"
The shark then bites off Johns other arm.
Now John has no arms or legs.
His brother finally arrives to save him.
Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.
When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel fucked"
And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!"




10-23-06 - ANTENNAS

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.




10-22-06 - SUPERMAN

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building.
The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!"
The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet.
The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in.
Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again."
So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in.
Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in."
The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead.
Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."




10-21-06 - TOOK HIS PICTURE

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"




10-19-06 - BITCH

The difference between a tacky bitch and a vicious bitch?
The tacky bitch will look at you and say: "uh, you're not going to wear that are you?"
The vicious bitch will look at you are say: "Gurrlll, you look FABULOUS!!!"




10-18-06 - NAVY SHEEP

Why does the Navy have Marines on board their ships?
Sheep would be too obvious......




10-17-06 - SHEEP

John walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I snog with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says:
"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."




10-16-06 - ONE FOR THE ROAD

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."




10-15-06 - SMALL LOAD

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."




10-14-06 - CHECKUP

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"




10-13-06 - REDNECK

You know your a redneck when..
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.




10-12-06 - PRICKS

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.




10-11-06 - ALL RIGHT NOW

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.




10-10-06 - HAND CLAP

At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence;
"Well, stop fucking doing it then."




10-9-06 - COIN FLIP

If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?




10-8-06 - JUMPER CABLE

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."




10-7-06 - NOTHING TO LOOK AT

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.




10-6-06 - GAY ARMY

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
~ Jon Stewart




10-5-06 - HOME REMEDIES

Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
For everything else, you only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.




10-4-06 - BOOBS

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets her hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes. I know, and I"m gonna get boobs, too."




10-3-06 - SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize the signs are for real. He passes a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through a winding passage and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup and trots eagerly down the hall. He slips through the door and finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!




10-2-06 - BLONDE AT BANK

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.




10-1-06 - BLONDE AT BANK

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde.




9-30-06 - ENLISTING

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."




9-28-06 - THE SMITHS

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long." With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.




9-27-06 - BLONDE BOWLING BALL

What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.




9-26-06 - LINGUISTICS

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right . . . "




9-25-06 - SO FAT

Yo momma is so fat she caught a flesh-eating virus... and that was three years ago.




9-23-06 - SO FAT

Yo momma is so fat when God said let there be light, he said move your fat butt out of the way.




9-22-06 - WALLS

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."




9-21-06 - LIBRARY

A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"




9-20-06 - WIDE ASS

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."




9-19-06 - RAIN OR SNOW

A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No that felt like snow to me, dear," she replied.
"No I'm sure it was just rain," he said. They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing." As the man approached the husband said:
"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course" he replied and walked on. But the woman insisted.
"I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."




9-18-06 - DEAD CAT

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he's found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' and it didn't move."




9-17-06 - COUNT TO 70

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.




9-16-06 - UGLY

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."




9-15-06 - DIVORCE

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Q: Have you any grounds?
A: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
Q: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
A: It made of concrete.
Q: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
A: No, we have carport, and not need one.
Q: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
A: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Q: Does your wife beat you up?
A: No, I always up before her.
Q: Why do you want this divorce?
A: She going to kill me.
Q: What makes you think that?
A: I got proof.
Q: What kind of proof?
A: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put in shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."




9-14-06 - BUSH

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."




9-13-06 - TOILET PAPER

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town.
Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew.
He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress.
Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional.
His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?




9-12-06 - MAILBOX

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."




9-11-06 - GOLF

A man was at the Country Club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he'd just scored his first ever "hole in one" when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the hospital's ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61; shattering the Club record by 5 strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was absolutely jubilant ... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed out of the Club and raced to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the Country Club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life, your wife will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?




9-10-06 - TURN THEM ON

What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common?
They are both made of plastic and kids turn them on.




9-9-06 - RAISIN BREAD

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread. "




9-8-06 - GAY SITCOM

Hear about the new gay sitcom?
"Leave it, it's Beaver."




9-7-06 - ROLL OF THE DICE

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude.
" They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice.
Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other.
Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."




9-6-06 - FINGER PAINTING

What do you call two lesbians with their period?
Finger painting.




9-5-06 - NEW BICYCLE

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Leroy
Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Your Truly,
Leroy
Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy
Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!
Sincerely,
You know who




9-4-06 - CHINS

Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.




9-3-06 - SIREN

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."




9-1-06 - TACO BELL

Yo momma so ugly, she walked into Taco Bell and everyone ran for the border.




8-30-06 - MAGIC LAMP

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp.
They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.
the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island."
Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.
The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!"
She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.
Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island."
She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.




8-29-06 - BOXER?

What has four legs and no ears?
Mike Tyson's dog.




8-28-06 - SUEDE JACKET

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"




8-27-06 - VAMPIRE BAT

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"




8-26-06 - GOD IS MISSING

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"




8-25-06 - CANOE RACE

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American's rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant Superintendent steering manager, and one rower..
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's rowing team was outsourced to India.




8-24-06 - BIG PAUSE

A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, "I would like a bourbon and...... a coke."
The bar tender says "What's up with the big pause?"
The bear said "I've had them all my life"




8-23-06 - BLONDE COWPIE

How are blondes and cowpies alike?
The older they are the easier they are to pick up!




8-22-06 - PURINA

I have a golden retriever named Snarf and I was buying a large bag of Purina and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.




8-21-06 - PICKLES

Son: Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!




8-20-06 - PMS

What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
Nothing.




8-19-06 - BUTTER AND BLONDE

What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
Butter is difficult to spread.




8-17-06 - ATM BRAILLE

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.




8-16-06 - LUNCH

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."




8-15-06 - WORM

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."




8-14-06 - MJ & NINTENDO

What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common?
They are both made of plastic and kids turn them on.




8-13-06 - PEANUTS

A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit." He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie." The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.
"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary."




8-12-06 - BOOKSTORE

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied, ........ "Divorce attorney".




8-11-06 - SWEENIES

A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
Renowned for the length of their peenies.
The hair on their balls
Sweeps the floors of their halls,
But they don't look at women, the meanies




8-10-06 - WHEELCHAIR

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"




8-9-06 - WHEELCHAIR

What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair




8-8-06 - SPEED

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit.
The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said: "RADAR TRAP AHEAD"
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice...
Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet... full of change.




8-7-06 - JACK AND JILL

Jack and Jill went up da hill,
Each with a dollar and a quarter,
Jill came down with two dollars fifty,
Da dirty hoe.




8-6-06 - cLINTON

Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he says "bastard" written in piss.
He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden.
So they go out and investigate and when they return they say "Well Bill, we've got bad news and we've got worse news, which one would you like to hear first?"
And Bill says, "What's the bad news?" The agent replies, "It was Al Gore."
Aghast Bill yells, "That dirty no good son of a bitch!!!!! What's the worse news?"
So the agent says, "It was Hillary's handwriting..."




8-4-06 - PRINCESS AND FROG

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.




8-3-06 - BUSH LIGHTBULB

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
The answer is seven:
* One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced.
* One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb.
* One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb.
* One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.
* One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay
Halliburton one million dollars for a light bulb.
* One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag.
* And finally, one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.




8-2-06 - MOTHER SUPERIOR

Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay..."




8-1-06 - BUSH QUOTE

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we.
They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 George Dubya Bush




7-31-06 - FUNERAL

Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."




7-30-06 - SOUP

Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.




7-29-06 - JOIN THE ARMY

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.




7-28-06 - BLONDE OJ

Why was the blonde staring at the orange juice?
Cause it said concentrate.




7-27-06 - BLONDE PAINT

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.




7-26-06 - UNION WORKER

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."




7-25-06 - PAUSE

A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, "I would like a bourbon and...... a coke." The bar tender says "What's up with the big pause?" The bear said "I've had them all my life"




7-24-06 - CHICKEN BONE

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."




7-23-06 - REDNECK 1

You know your a redneck when..
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.




7-22-06 - REDNECK 2

You know your a redneck when..
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.




7-21-06 - A HITCH HIKER

A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."




7-20-06 - A BLIND MAN

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.




7-19-06 - E-MAIL

As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!"




7-18-06 - EXHIBITIONIST

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."




7-17-06 - GETTING OLD

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.




7-16-06 - TULIPS

What’s better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.




7-15-06 - OUCH

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20.00 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag . . ."
"Damn!" says the little old lady . . . "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? "Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."




7-14-06 - OUCH

A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.
She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer.
You do whatever you want."




7-13-06 - JAILED ACCOUNTANT

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."




7-12-06 - DWARF

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around’.”




7-11-06 - LEGS

Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"
"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."




7-10-06 - BLOWS

Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
They went outside to exchange blows.




7-9-06 - LEPROSY

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.




7-8-06 - BUILDER

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"
"But if you fuck one goat......."




7-7-06 - EXCHANGE

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him




7-6-06 - CLEAN MOON

Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
It doesn't need cleaning.




7-5-06 - MOLES

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."




7-4-06 - FRIDGE

One day...
a little boy runs up to his mother, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"
His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".
The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?"
Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".
The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".




7-3-06 - JAMAICAN HOLIDAY

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants,ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET




7-2-06 - THE BARN

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks at it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How 'bout that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day, after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly cow he's runnin' 'round with!"




7-1-06 - VENTRILOQUIST COWBOY

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: shows look of disbelief
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: extreme look of shock Cowboy: "Is this your owner? "pointing at Indian.
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: shows total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie!"




6-30-06 - HILLBILLIES

Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!" The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"




6-29-06 - CHEAP APARTMENT

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...............




6-28-06 - CHICKEN

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"




6-27-06 - LICKED CLEAN

Why do women have arms?
Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?




6-26-06 - SPERM COUNT

A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow".
The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this....First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing".
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?!".
The old Man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all 3 of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open".




6-25-06 - YEAST INFECTION

Why did God invent yeast infection?
So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.




6-24-06 - LUNG TRANSPLANT

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...




6-23-06 - VALENTINE'S DAY

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"




6-22-06 - BOY INSIDE

What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
It's the little boy inside him.




6-21-06 - CAPTAIN HOOK

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.




6-20-06 - MAD COW PMS

What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
Nothing.




6-19-06 - SHOOT THE BULL

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."The waiter says, Whoa,Tonto!" We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position in Canadian Government; Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."




6-18-06 - PRICKS

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.




6-17-06 - DEAF

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost.
Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way.
He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf.
She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"




6-16-06 - SAFE SEX

What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town.




6-15-06 - DEER

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."
"We're eating asshole!!", she screams.




6-14-06 - SADDAM

What did Saddam say when he came out of his hole?
Did I beat David Blaine?




6-13-06 - HEAVEN

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"




6-12-06 - THREE TURTLES

Three turtles, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener'
'I didn't bring it' says Roy.' I thought you packed it'.
Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'. Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it.
But he refuses saying - 'You'll eat all the sandwiches!'
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they and are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts....
'I KNEW IT.....................I'M NOT FUCKING GOING.'




6-11-06 - AMISH

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."




6-10-06 - PAP SMEAR

Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.




6-09-06 - PIMPLE

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple will wait till your 15 before it comes on your face.




6-08-06 - LAXATIVE

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk: What's with the guy over there by the wall?
The clerk responds: Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so! I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.
The owner, wide -eyed and excited shouts: You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives.
The clerk calmly responds: Of course you can, look at him, he's afraid to cough.




6-07-06 - MICHAEL AND NEIL

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.




6-06-06 - LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.
Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.
The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.
Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"




6-06-06 - SHEEP AND GOATS

What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
Bisexual.




6-04-06 - MIXED EMOTIONS

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.




6-03-06 - BISEXUAL

What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
Bisexual.




6-02-06 - I MAKE BETS

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money.
She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!"
The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"




6-01-06 - A CATHOLIC PRIEST AND A NUN

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."




5-30-06 - NUDIST COLONY

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts.
Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office.
He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."




5-29-06 - LITTLE WEINER

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."




5-28-06 - SECOND GRADE

What were George W. Bush's three hardest years?
A: Second grade.




5-27-06 - GRANDMA

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I’ll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you’re so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!"




5-26-06 - CRABS

What's worse than having termites in your piano?
Crabs on your organ




5-25-06 - DEPENDS

What does 70 year old pussy taste like? Depends!




5-24-06 - PORCHE

Q. What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
A. I don't have a Porsche in my garage




5-23-06 - LEPROSY

Q. What's the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
A. She can only give you lip once!




5-22-06 - CLUELESS

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue.




5-21-06 - CAB DRIVER

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.
"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."




5-20-06 - HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEARTS

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.




5-19-06 - UGLY

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck.
A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?"
The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!"
And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."




5-18-06 - UGLY

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".
"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"




5-17-06 - LIMERICK

There once was a man from Kubot
who lived off of toe jam and snot,
when he had none of these,
he lived off the cheese,
from the tip of his grungy old cock.




5-16-06 - BISEXUAL

Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A. Bisexual.




5-15-06 - DOG'S ADMIRATION

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.




5-14-06 - WISDOM TOOTH

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"




5-13-06 - CIGAR ADDICTION

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.
The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole.
Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is.
The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.
"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."




5-12-06 - JUST LAY THERE

What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex?
They just kinda lay there.




5-11-06 - THREE LABS

Three Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black colored) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" He replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the chocolate lab.
"All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper", the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."




5-10-06 - LICK

Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can.




5-9-06 - ANGUS BROON

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, 'Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants.' 'Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan. Go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it.' About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, 'Me God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?' 'Aye,' says Angus. 'I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite of the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in.'




5-8-06 - 99 SONS

A man approached the minister at his church...."Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hat pin.
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply. Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband. Soon, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones. "My God!", howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again!", bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare. Before long, though, she again nodded off. This time however, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!" "Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.




5-7-06 - THREE SONS

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.
The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?
Finally, she said, Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health. Then the young son asked, Wait How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?




5-6-06 - A REAL BITCH

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. “Oh no”, says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" “I recognized her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!”




5-5-06 - HAIR REMOVER

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!




5-4-06 - WISDOM

A Few Things To Think About
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane




5-3-06 - DOGS

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!




5-2-06 - AIRBAG

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What’s that?" The husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag."




5-1-06 - CONFESSION

A young man went to confession. "Bless me father for I have sinned." he said "Last night my boyfriend made love to me seven times."
The priest said, "My son, you must go home and suck the juice of seven lemons."
"And will that absolve me?" asked the young man.
"No," replied the priest, "but it will wipe that smug look off your face."




4-30-06 - EVERY WEEK

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor.
Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"




4-29-06 - FLASHLIGHT

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"




4-28-06 - JFK

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy




4-27-06 - SCRAMBLED EGGS

What did the chicken say when it say scrambled eggs?
"Look at those mixed up kids!"




4-26-06 - DIET COKE

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.




4-25-06 - BLIND PILOT

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lays quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?
"The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story....Have a great day and remember...
Things aren't always as they appear.




4-24-06 - LITTLE LEROY

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy, he thought, of course he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell Him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter One:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your Friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter Two:
Dear God, This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank You, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either, so he wrote another letter.
Letter Three:
Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank You, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if this was true, the letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad."Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if any one was there.
He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door and sat down with a piece of paper and pen.
Letter Four:
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Leroy




4-23-06 - BRAILLE

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.




4-22-06 - MANICURE

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decided it was time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn about the facts of life. So, he took him to the local house of ill repute, which was fronted by a beauty parlor.
Bubba introduced Billy Bob to the madam, and explained that it was time for his indoctrination to sex."
The madam said, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to take care of this personally."
So, the madam took Billy Bob by the hand and led him to a room upstairs where she completed his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam said, "Since this was your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob ran into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob was acting a little shy, so the madam smiled and said, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"
"Yes ma'am," the boy stammered, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch my balls."




4-21-06 - IRON THIS

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".




4-20-06 - NUNS

Two nuns going for their saturday afternoon bicycle ride.
One nun said ' i don't think i've come this way before.
other nun replied ' no i think it's the cobble stones'.




4-19-06 - MY FAULT

The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"




4-18-06 - FITNESS CLASS

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.




4-17-06 - SENILE

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.




4-16-06 - RIGHT OF WAY

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."




4-15-06 - REJECTED

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wifethat he was keying in....
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***




4-14-06 - TWO BLONDES

There were two blondes walking in the woods. As they were walking one of them noticed some tracks on the ground. One stops the other one and says "Look deer tracks." The other goes "Those are not deer tracks those are bear tracks." So they fight about what they are and are not, and the next day the paper head lines read "Two Blondes Killed By Train".




4-13-06 - MURPHY TWINS

Two men are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am." The first guy says, "So am I, and where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begorra, and so am I, and what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area, it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.
The other guy gasps, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I, and to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, St. Mary's, of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "So did I, and tell me, did you graduate?" The other guy answers, let's see...I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down on us. I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up at the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St Mary's in 1964 me own self."
About this time, Coleen walks into the bar and sits down and orders a beer. Paddy, the bartender, walks over to Coleen, shaking his head, and mutters. "It's going to be a long night tonight." Coleen asks, "Why do you say that Paddy?" He rolls his eyes, "The Murphy twins are drunk again tonight."




4-12-06 - ACCOUNTANT BUSH

This week the federal government announced that the U.S. economy grew by 7 percent in the 3rd quarter — that is the largest increase in 20 years. The White House is already taking credit for it. Today President Bush landed on an aircraft carrier dressed as an accountant.




4-11-06 - BUS DRIVER

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''




4-10-06 - CIRCUMCISION

Two little four year old boys are in a city hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second little boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm really scared."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was three. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's really a breeze."
The second little boy then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Wow. Good luck. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for over a year."




4-9-06 - DURING GOLF

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues. "But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does - his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big portfolio of stock certificates."




4-8-06 - STOLEN CAR

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen.
They go to the police station to make a full report.
Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime.
To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.
The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital.
Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late.
They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic.
And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"




4-7-06 - AMERICAN HISTORY

It was the first day of school and a new student namedPedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!




4-6-06 - BUSHISM

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the- the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world.
And we will find these people and bring them to justice."
Prez George Dubya
-Washington, D.C. : Oct. 28, 2003




4-5-06 - THE VET

A woman brought a very limp duck into a country veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so very sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He just might be in a coma, or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and the sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head, took it out and returned a few minutes later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat then sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and slowly strolled out of the room.
The vet said to the woman, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill and let out a gasp. $150!" she cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."




4-4-06 - NOT HIS DAY

While walking through the Branscomb, California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and he asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day..."




4-3-06 - FROST

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down.
He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after.
He service man opened the hood of the automobile and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal "
, the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache.




4-2-06 - TWO BIRDS

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone! ." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????............................OH,
come on...take a guess! .
Think about it
(You're going to love this!) Ok it is corny.
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!




4-1-06 - FLOWER SHOW

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, " Life is just too boring;
We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $ 5.00 bill.
The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
" What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."




3-29-06 - RANCHER'S WIFE

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than a drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You've done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by the boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was directed and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and slipped them off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."




3-28-06 - TENT

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber then buffalo. Someone stole the tent."




3-27-06 - DESERT

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert. The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated." The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned." Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."




3-26-06 - LIFE END

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
Then you drink like a fish, party your ass off, and screw anything that moves - you've only got a few years left, so why not?!?
Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!




3-25-06 - GOLF AND SEX

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.!
After a long life, the husband was the first to go,
and true to his word he made contact,
"Connie....Connie. "
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."
Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."




3-24-06 - 9 THINGS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW

TOP 9 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT !
#9 During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of URINE.
#8 In a average day your hands will come into direct contact with 15 penises. (touching door handles etc.)
#7 An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
#6 In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects .......... while you slept.
#5 Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
#4 Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
#3 In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
#2 At an average Wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
AND THE # 1 "THING"
#1 Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples ANAL GASES !
HAVE A GREAT DAY !!!
P.S. WASH your damn hands !




3-23-06 - MONKEY AND LIZARD

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle.
He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says,
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........Dude! How much water did you drink




3-22-06 - PEACOCK

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son........!"




3-21-06 - WALMART

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.




3-20-06 - CINDERELLA

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter,something or other...."




3-19-06 - GRANDKIDS

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."




3-18-06 - LIE DETECTOR

Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.




3-17-06 - DRINKING AGAIN

"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again." —David Letterman




3-16-06 - TAMPONS

Three tampons are walking down the street what do they say?
Nothing cause their stuck up cunts.




3-15-06 - IN THE SINK

It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.
So when a guy from the office whom she really likes asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a lb. of fresh liver.
She gets ready for her big date and slides that lb. of liver into her box hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.
Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each others arms.
Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, "Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I'm doomed to end up an old maid."
She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table.....
"Dear Annie, Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL! Sorry I had to leave so early, but I'll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON! Love You, Bill
(P.S. Your cunt's in the sink) "




3-14-06 - SAUNA

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH AND NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ...I'M GETTING A FAX!!




3-13-06 - BUSH DISEASE

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.




3-12-06 - GAY MARRIAGE

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman." -Arnold Schwarzenegger




3-11-06 - BLOWN A SEAL

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down.
He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after.
He service man opened the hood of the automobile and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache.




3-10-06 - MARK 17

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."




3-9-06 - DISCIPLINE

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with his desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.
While he was sitting at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his necktie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the necktie as the level of unruliness in the classroom increased, verging on pandemonium.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward necktie, he stood up and took a large stapler off his desk and with a flourish, stapled the necktie to his chest in several places. Needless to say, discipline was not a problem from that day on.




3-8-06 - PINOCCHIO

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, 'What's the matter, baby?'
Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, 'You're probably the best guy I've ever met-- but every time we make love, you give me splinters.'
This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto suggested that sandpaper might be able to 'smooth' out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio's graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.
Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, 'So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls'.
To which Pinocchio's replied, 'GIRLS? WHO NEEDS GIRLS???'




3-7-06 - LESBIAN POOL

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.




3-6-06 - DROP DEAD

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue standing until Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Ok, me lads," someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me" Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home" "Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.




3-5-06 - BRUSHING TEETH

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"
"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.
"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"




3-4-06 - BEER

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."




3-3-06 - BUMS

Two bums are sitting talking.
The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever!
This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground.
So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever."
The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks.
You know what I did? I fucked her all day long."
The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life."
The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?"
The other replies no.
"How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?"
To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"




3-2-06 - ADAM'S DECISION

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.
With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies.
With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.
His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"




3-1-06 - ADAM'S DECISION

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden.
So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."
Adam says, "That sounds great."
God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"




2-28-06 - THE DUCK

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
He enters a duck.
How can you tell if a Pole is present?
He bets money on the duck.
How can you tell if an Italian is present?
The duck wins.




2-27-06 - BACKSEAT BLONDE

This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want to move to the back seat?"
She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"
To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd be lonely back there!"




2-26-06 - COCONUTS

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!




2-25-06 - BAD TURKEYS

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!




2-22-06 - LIMERICK

A young Catholic layman named Fox
Makes his living by sucking off cocks.
In fits of depression,
He goes to confession,
And jacks off the priest in the box.




2-21-06 - NICE TRADE

Texas Razorback Hogs
As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."




2-20-06 - PARATROOPER

A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergent standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.
"Just a little at first" answered the boy.




2-19-06 - DONKEY X ONION

Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.




2-18-06 - GENTLEMEN

The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn jeans and a leather jacket approached him.
"Hey, man," he said, "where's the toilet?"
"Go down the hall and turn left," replied the headwaiter.
"When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen'; pay no attention to it and go right on in."




2-17-06 - BOBBIT

Lorena Bobbit's sister was arrested, yesterday, for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
She is currently awaiting trial and has been charged with a 'misdeweiner'.




2-16-06 - GENIE

Once upon a time a man was walking down the street. He saw an ancient oil lamp in an ash can and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked up and rubbed it.
Sure enough, out popped a genie. "Master, I shall now grant you one wish." The man spoke, his eyes bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life!"
The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.




2-14-06 - HARDENED

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal.




2-13-06 - HE FELL

Q: How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
A: None. He fell.




2-12-06 - MEXICAN OLYMPIC TEAM

How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team?
Because all of the mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are in the U.S.




2-11-06 - POULTRY MOTION

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.




2-10-06 - EATING HABITS

A guy walks into a doctor''s office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what''s wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replies, "You''re not eating properly."




2-9-06 - MEDICAL ETHICS

She said, "Kiss me doctor!"
Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be fucking you."




2-8-06 - TENNIS BALL

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."




2-7-06 - TOP DOWN

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!




2-6-06 - SMOKING AFTER SEX

Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?
Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked




2-5-06 - BIN LADEN'S SAFE SEX

How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.




2-3-06 - NEW BOSS

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."




2-2-06 - BLONDE SUICIDE

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!




2-1-06 - COLD SHOULDER

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner?
His wife gave him the cold shoulder!




1-31-06 - ONE IN FIVE

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.




1-30-06 - COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC

What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?
You get your wife and your job back.




1-29-06 - PREGNANT BLONDE

Q: What does the blonde say to the doctor when she finds out she's pregnant?
A: Is it mine?




1-28-06 - BAD DOG

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks




1-27-06 - BAD DOG

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the ass."




1-26-06 - FILM

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.




1-25-06 - BLONDE HOCKEY

How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.




1-24-06 - TERMITES

What's worse than having termites in your piano?
Crabs on your organ




1-23-06 - ON THE HOUSE

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.




1-22-06 - WALKING INTO A HOUSE

Two Irishman walk into a house...
You would think one of them would have seen it.




1-21-06 - REDNECK TEETH

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.




1-20-06 - FOUR WAY STOP

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."




1-19-06 - HICCUPS

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hickups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"




1-18-06 - BLONDE COMPUTER

How do you know when a blonde has been working on your computer?
There's white out on the screen and lipstick on the joystick!




1-17-06 - PENIS NAME

Q: Why do men name their penis? A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.




1-16-06 - DIRTY HOE

Jack and Jill went up da hill,
Each with a dollar and a quarter,
Jill came down with two dollars fifty,
Da dirty hoe.




1-15-06 - GRANDFATHER

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.




1-14-06 - BEER

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.




1-13-06 - OVEN CLOCK

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.




1-12-06 - POLITICS

Why are politicians like diapers?
Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.




1-11-06 - ETHICS

She said, "Kiss me doctor!"
Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be fucking you."




1-10-06 - HUMPTY DUMPTY

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said fuck him! - he's only an egg!




1-9-06 - MULTI-TASKING

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?




1-8-06 - DOGS

A great dane, a scotty, and a chihuahua were sitting in a bar, knocking back a few, when a beautiful bitch walked in.
"Okay, boys," she purred. "I'll make a very happy dog out of whoever can come up with the best proposition, using the words 'cheese' and 'liver'."
The great dane thought a moment, then stated: "I don't like cheese, but I sure like liver, and I like you, too!" He panted and wagged his tail.
The lady just looked away.
The scotty immediately said "I like cheese, and I like liver, AND I like you!" and wagged his tail expectantly.
She ignored him.
Then the chihuahua growled "Liver alone! Cheese with me."
They left together.




1-7-06 - GAY SMOKER

Did you hear about the gay guy taking a piss....
He looked at the other guy to his right and saw a nicotine patch on his cock.
He asked "does it work"?
Yep, replied the guy, I'm down to two butts a day.




1-6-06 - POLAR BEAR

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:
"I'll have a brandy........................................... .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. ..........and coke."
The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."




1-5-06 - BUS DRIVER

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.




1-4-06 - REDNECK

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.




1-3-06 - BIG TITS

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."




1-2-06 - PORN ACTORS

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.




1-1-06 - DIVORCED BARBIE

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends.




12-31-05 - W'S

Why did the blond get fired from the M&M's Factory?
She threw away all the w's.




12-30-05 - BLIND NUDIST

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.




12-29-05 - CONCEIT

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.




12-28-05 - SCRATCHING

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.




12-27-05 - SEALS

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.




12-26-05 - LEGLESS DOG

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.




12-25-05 - CRACK

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.




12-24-05 - MIXED FEELINGS

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.




12-23-05 - GENDERS

"EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER "
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are hit, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's that hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!




12-22-05 - GIVE UP?

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"




12-21-05 - SIX MONTHS

Two burglars broke into a building and stole a calendar.
They both got 6 months.




12-20-05 - FAMILY OF FIVE

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.




12-19-05 - GAY COWBOY

Top Ten Signs You're A Gay Cowboy
10. "Your saddle is Versace"
9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"
8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"
7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"
6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower"
5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"
4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"
3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"
2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"
1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"




12-18-05 - ROTTWEILER

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"




12-17-05 - ONE ARM

Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A: Wave at him.




12-16-05 - PISSED OFF

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?
A: He got pissed off.




12-15-05 - BLONDE LEGS

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.




12-14-05 - UNPLUGGED

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her...
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle."
"Oh, dear? Is that right?" the wife says, not looking up from her book.
"Yep," he says. "If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."
So his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.




12-13-05 - LESBIAN POOL

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.




12-11-05 - WHOSE BABY?

Q: What does the blonde say to the doctor when she finds out she's pregnant?
A: Is it mine?




12-10-05 - TWO OUT OF THREE

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick." !




12-9-05 - NO PENGUINS

Two cows were talking in the field.
One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"




12-8-05 - COUNTRY MUSIC

What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?
You get your wife and your job back.




12-6-05 - DINING ON THE MOON

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.




12-5-05 - CHECKOUT

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the cashier, Little Johnny, was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
Little Johnny turns, stares at her for a second, looks her up and down, smiles and says, "Not bad."




12-4-05 - OUCH

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.




12-3-05 - POTATO

An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one.
So he asked Pierre, "How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?"
Pierre said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild."
The Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman.
The Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, "I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!"
Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, "You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!"




12-2-05 - LENDING A HAND

Son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!
Mom: Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.




12-1-05 - PEANUTS

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted.




11-30-05 - GLAZED

Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking.
The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"




11-29-05 - ROSES ARE RED

Roses are red,
Pickles are green,
I like your legs,
and whats in between.




11-28-05 - DENTIST

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."




11-27-05 - BALLS

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office.
"Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good, son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better, son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son!
As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"




11-26-05 - HICCUPS

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hickups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"




11-25-05 - SINGLE

Little Johnny's in a checkout line standing right behind a man who's purchasing toilet paper, soap, a toothbrush, a TV dinner, a can of soda and a bag of chips. Little Johnny asks the man, "Are you single?"
"Yeah," the man replied in a real sarcastic tone, "how did you ever guess?"
Little Johnny said, "Because you're ugly!"




11-24-05 - CONCENTRATION

Q: Why was the blonde looking in the refrigerator?
A: Because the orange juice said concentrate.




11-23-05 - DRUNK THUG

A huge half-drunk thug walks into a bar and shouts "You all on the left side of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right side are motherfuckers!!!" Suddenly a man ran from the right to the left side of the bar. "Where are you going, squirt?" the big man asked. "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"




11-22-05 - FLUCTUATIONS

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line... just one guy in front of me... an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.
He asked the teller, "why it change? yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "fluc you white guys too!"




11-21-05 - SHY GUY

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"




11-20-05 - A VASE

One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch.
The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."
The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?"




11-19-05 - 25 BUCKS

A guy and a girl are parked, and they're making out. Just as things are really getting hot, she stops him and says, "I should have said something sooner, but I'm a hooker and I charge twenty dollars for sex."
The guy pays her and they get back to business. After they finish, the guy sits back in the driver's seat and stares out the window.
The girl says, "Why aren't we going anywhere?"
He says, "I should have said something sooner, but I'm a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is twenty-five bucks."




11-18-05 - FIVE SURGEONS

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Polliticians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.




11-17-05 - GOOD YEAR

What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Roll them up into a tire and call it a Good Year.




11-16-05 - NAILED FOOT

Son: Mommy..Mommy, I'm tired of going around in circles.
Mom: Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.




11-15-05 - THE OTHER SIDE

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.




11-14-05 - MEN AND LINOLEUM

Q: What do men and linoleum have in common?
A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.




11-13-05 - NOT A MUSCLE

"The cock isn't a muscle so it doesn't grow in relation to the shoulders, say, or the pectorals. You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure." - Arnold Schwarzenegger in Esquire




11-12-05 - NANCY

Nancy goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says, "You have acute vaginitis."
She says, "Thank you."




11-11-05 - SEE ABOVE

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)




11-10-05 - SHOTGUN

Son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away?
Mom: Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!




11-9-05 - PICKLES

Son: Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!




11-8-05 - KAMIKAZE

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.




11-7-05 - PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing " What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"




11-6-05 - DROWNING

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"




11-5-05 - BIG HEAD

Son: Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Mom: Don't worry about them. Now take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.




11-4-05 - ON THE FARM

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. Little Johnny then decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." Little Johnny replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then Little Johnny asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"




11-3-05 - BIRDS AND BEES

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'there's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy speech'. Now if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."




11-2-05 - LAWYERS

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.




11-1-05 - MIXED UP KIDS

What did the chicken say when it say scrambled eggs?
"Look at those mixed up kids!"




10-31-05 - RAISINS

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread. "




10-30-05 - AN ORGY

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?" "An orgy," Johnny answered.




10-29-05 - PORN STAR

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.




10-28-05 - VIRGINITY

I lost my virginity... Can I have yours?




10-27-05 - TAP DANCING

Q: What happened to the blonde that was tap dancing?
A: She fell in the sink.




10-25-05 - BASIC FOOD GROUPS

Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall into". His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall into any food group". Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go. He said "I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!"




10-24-05 - SNOW BLOWER

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.




10-23-05 - UGLY

One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying you drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?" The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said "I haven't the foggiest idea."




10-22-05 - PUNK ROCKERS

How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to eat the old one.




10-21-05 - PENGUIN

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down.
He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA.
His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.
The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.
After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons.
Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.
The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin said "Oh, no! It's just ice cream."




10-20-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

"Mommy," Little Johnny asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight...' "




10-19-05 - BLOND AND A TERRORIST

What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.




10-17-05 - A COWBOY AND A RANCHER

A Cowboy said to a Rancher, "Is that your dog?" The Rancher replied, "Yup." "Mind if I talk to him?"
"Durn fool, don't you know dogs don't talk?" The Cowboy replied, "So what's the harm? May I?" "Go right ahead."
The Cowboy said to the dog, "Howdy!" The dog replied, "Hello." The Rancher's eyes pop wide.
The Cowboy continued, "Is this your master?" "Yep, he sure is." "Does he treat you alright?" "Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play."
Rancher was dumbfounded. The Cowboy said to the Rancher, "Is that your horse over there?"
"Yes." "Do you mind if I talk to him?" The Rancher replied, "I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk."
"Well, then what would it hurt?" "Go right ahead." The Cowboy said to the horse, "Hello." The horse replied, "Hello."
The Rancher stood there with his jaw wide open. The Cowboy asked, "Is that your owner?" "Yup, sure is." "He treat you okay?" "Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements." "Sounds good."
The Cowboy then asked the Rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"
The Rancher is horrified and stammers, "Them sheep out there, they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"




10-16-05 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.




10-15-05 - FOND OF CHICKENS

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the alter boys stood up.




10-14-05 - JIM AND BOB

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, I think that you have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."




10-12-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny had a knack for catching fish. Every weekend Little Johnny went fishing and returned with dozens of fish. No one knew how he did it. When other fisherman were unable to land more than three or four, Little Johnny always came back with stringer after stringer of freshly caught fish. Curious, the fish and game warden decided to investigate. He followed Little Johnny out to the lake, and when he launched his boat at the dock, the warden asked if he could ride along and observe. "Sure," said Little Johnny. "Hop in." Little Johnny started up his outboard motor. When they arrived at an obscure reach of the lake, Little Johnny stopped the boat. The warden sat back and watched. Reaching into a box, Little Johnny pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it into the water. After the explosion dead fish soon started rising to the surface. Little Johnny took out a net and started scooping them up. "Wait a minute!" said the warden. "What do you think you're doing? You can't do that! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You'll be paying every fine in the book! You'll never fish again!" Little Johnny calmly put down his net, picked up a second stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it in the warden's lap. "So are you gonna sit there criticizing me all day," he asked the panicked warden, "or are you gonna fish?"




10-11-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. So the two women sipped their tea happily while having lunch and chit-chatted. Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother talked to him.. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his mother asked. "Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied Johnny. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get excited, ma, I used the old one!"




10-09-05 - BABY ON BOARD

I've got one of those baby on board signs, but then it flew out the window.
I guess I won't be needing that sign again




10-08-05 - WAITER

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Don't worry, sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em. "




10-07-05 - A CAT AND AN OSTRICH

A guy walks into a bar. With him is a cat and an ostrich. The man says "Get me a Budweiser." The ostrich says "May I have an orange juice?" The bartender nods. Then the cat says: "I'll have a shot of Vodka, but I'm notpaying." They finish their drinks and leave. The next night, the man walks in with the cat and the ostrich again. The man orders a Bud, the ostrich orders orange juice, and the cat has vodka, but insists on not paying. The third night that this happens, the bartender is pretty curious. He walks over to the man and says "Tell me, why do you come here everyday with a cat and an ostrich?" The man looks around and says "Well, I was walking home from the bar four nights ago, and I took a short cut through an alley. I found this old lamp, and it had a genie in it. He said 'Son, this is your lucky day. I'm going to grant you one wish' and I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."




10-06-05 - ENERGIZER BUNNY

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards? A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...




10-05-05 - TWO FLIES

Two flies walk into a bar, order drinks and start talking. The first fly: "How was your travel down here?" The second fly: "It was cold I rode in a bikers mustache. How was yours?" The first fly: "I was warm I rode in a biker chicks' pussy. You ought to do it next year." So a year passes and the same two flies met in the same bar. The first fly: "Did you do it?" The second fly: "Yes, but some how I still showed up in a biker's mustache."




10-04-05 - MANNHEIM

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on he said to the ticket man, "Sir, I really need you to do me a favor - I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and I know I'll fall asleep. So what I want you to do is wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it's very important for me. Here's 100 francs for this favor. But I must warn you that sometimes when people wake me up I get violently angry, but no matter what I do or say you got to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?" So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later the man fell asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at him, "Are you FUCKING STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't!! I want my money back you BASTARD!" While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, Little Johnny and his mom were watching them and Little Johnny says to her, "Boy, that guy is really pissed off!" "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get off the train in Mannheim!"




10-03-05 - HOW MANY COPS?

Q: How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
A: None. He fell.




10-02-05 - WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

There was a guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the drink from the guy, and drank it all down. The poor man started crying. Truck driver: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." Guy: "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I was late getting to my office. My boss was outrageous, and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and when I left it, I remembered I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drove away. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."




10-01-05 - <10 SPEED BIKE

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."




09-30-05 - BACKWOODS HILLBILLIES

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"




09-28-05 - TEN SECOND RELAY

Guy gets ready to make his first ten-second delay. His jumpmaster sees he's nervous and says, "Don't worry. Just get out there, arch, count to ten, and pull your main ripcord. If there's a problem with the main, you know you have a reserve. When you land, the truck will pick you up and take you back to the loft." So the guy exits, arches and pulls. Nothing happens. He reefs on his reserve ripcord. Dirty laundry comes out of the reserve container. He's falling faster, close to terminal, and he looks at the ground and says, "Great. I bet the f***ing truck won't be there, either."




09-27-05 - HONEYMOON

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that. " "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole !"




09-26-05 - VILLAGE BLACKSMITH

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours.
The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.




09-25-05 - DEAF MUTE

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.
He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."




09-24-05 - LEGS

Hey, baby, the word of the day is "Legs" so lets go to my house and spread the word.









09-21-05 - PEPSI

An airplane full of Pepsi was flying over an African country. It suddenly developed engine trouble and crashed in the dense jungle. A few weeks later the Pepsi Cola company sent a rescue plane out to look for the plane. They found the wreckage, but were unable to spot any of the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of primitive cannibals. They walked up to the Chief and asked him if he knew anything about the missing plane. The Chief grunted "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied "We ate the crew and we drank the Pepsi." The rescue crew was visible shocked. One of the crew asked "Did you eat their legs?" The Chief replied "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi." Another member of the crew asked "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After a minute or so a third crew member asked "Did you..you know...eat their...things?"The Chief says "No." "No?" shouted the rescuers. "No," stated the Chief. "Things go better with Coke."




09-20-05 - MARRIED 2 WEEKS

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence! , because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs-in-a-blanket, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?... "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER, IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER.......GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
......and, they lived happily ever after.




09-14-05 - RESTROOM

A teacher has to use the restroom real bad so he goes into the student's restroom.
Little Johnny follows him in, pulls out a Snickers candy bar from his lunch bag and takes the stall next to him.
Then he squishes the Snickers bar in his hand, reaches under the stall wall and says, "You got any more toilet paper over there? This side's completely out."




09-13-05 - FLY IN MY SOUP

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread. "




09-12-05 - LIFE AFTER DEATH

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his younger employees.
"Yes, Sir."
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "About an hour after you left yesterday to go to your grandfather's funeral, he stopped in to see you."




09-11-05 - BLOND PLAYING HOCKEY

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.




09-10-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny goes on his first date. "How did it go?" his mom asked. "Great. I gave her an Australian kiss goodnight."
"What's an Australian kiss?"
"It's like a French kiss, but down under."




09-09-05 - BARBIE

Q: Why did Barbi get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and moaning, "Lie to me!"




09-07-05 - THE FUZZ?

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."




09-06-05 - IT'S A CONDOM

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette.
It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse,took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom.."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"




09-05-05 - ALCOHOL

Q: Why did The Lord create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.




09-02-05 - YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME!

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!" came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
\ Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me"




09-01-05 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

Q: What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?
A: You let the pit bull finish.




08-31-05 - THE RIGHT OF WAY

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."




08-30-05 - THE JUDGE

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000.
And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."




08-29-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's in a checkout line standing right behind a man who's purchasing toilet paper, soap, a toothbrush, a TV dinner, a can of soda and a bag of chips.
Little Johnny asks the man, "Are you single?"
"Yeah," the man replied in a real sarcastic tone, "how did you ever guess?"
Little Johnny said, "Because you're ugly!"




08-28-05 - FIFTY DOLLARS?

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday.
After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.
The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have.
If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help."
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, "That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00."
The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, sqeaky fart.
The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!"
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."




08-26-05 - SITTING IN A BAR

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?" The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"
She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."




08-25-05 - BLONDE

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".




08-24-05 - BOOPEY BOO

Little Johnny's sitting on his bed and says to his his girlfriend standing in the doorway, "My little boopey-boo - I'm so lonely."
So she crosses the room over to Little Johnny.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
Little Johnny, with a concerned look on his face, says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?"
She gets up, gets into Little Johnny's bed and the two have passionate sex.
Afterwards the girl rolls out and crosses the room over to the bathroom.
On the way she catches her foot on the carpet and once again falls flat on her face.
Little Johnny mutters under his breath, "Clumsy bitch."




08-23-05 - A FLY IN MY SOUP!

Little Johnny's Mom takes him to the doctor for an appointment.
As she's checking in, the doctor says to her, "I'll need a urine sample."
Little Johnny pipes up, "What does he want?"
His Mom replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here."




08-22-05 - A FLY IN MY SOUP!

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Don't worry, sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em. "




08-21-05 - GAGGLE OF CARS

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added "Ever catch all the fish?"




08-19-05 - WHAT DO YOU CALL?

What do you call 200 lesbians and 200 politicians in a room?
400 people that dont do dick.




08-18-05 - WHY DOES A DOG..

Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.




08-17-05 - NECROPHELIAC

Hi, I'm a necropheliac, so how good are you at playing dead?




08-15-05 - FILE TAXES

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.".
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?".
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."




08-14-05 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

Q: What's the difference between a hog and a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can fuck some pig.




08-13-05 - HOW MANY WOMEN?

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Who cares, let her work in the dark.




08-12-05 - THREE FIREFIGHTERS

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip.
There was a rookie, a captain and a chief.
The weather was misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day.
They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.
After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer."
Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck.
The captain and chief asked "How did you get that?"
The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck".
The captain then said "I've had enough of this, I am going to get my deer."
He came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck.
The chief asked "How did you get that?"
The captain replied "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck."
The chief not wanting to be out done said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day."
He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody.
The rookie and captain asked "What happened to you?"
The chief replied "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks and got hit by a train."




08-11-05 - SEXUAL HARRASSMENT?

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."




08-09-05 - FERRARI

A young man goes to buy the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GT. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya'got there sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
Becausethis car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" he states proudly. The old moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly Whoosh! something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, unbelievably the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers... "UNHOOK...MY...SUSPENDERS...FROM...YOUR...SIDE VIEW....MIRROR!"




08-08-05 - BECKY AND JAKE

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake" she said.
"Hush, " he quickly interrupted, "don 't talk. "
But she insisted, " Jake, " she said in her tired voice, " I have to talk. I must confess."
" There is nothing to confess" said the weeping Jake, "It' s all right. Everything' s all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you. "
Jake stroked her hand. " Now, Becky, don' t be concern, I know all about it'" , he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?? "




08-07-05 - HELGA

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer." "Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked. Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur pecker?"




08-06-05 - I WANT A WATCH

Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch.
Obviously his best friend little Benny wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: "I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parents bedroom.
I walked in and saw the bouncing up and down.
Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family.
I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.
He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says "I want a watch.". The dad sighs and says: "Alright but go and stand in the corner and don't make a noise."
A guy walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her.




08-05-05 - DANCE?

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I really don't like this song. And even if I did I wouldn't dance with you."
Guy replies: "I don't think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants."




08-04-05 - SOUTHERNERS

How many southerners does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and four to talk about how good the old one was.




08-03-05 - RADAR TRAP AHEAD

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit.
The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said: "RADAR TRAP AHEAD"
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice...
Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet... full of change.




08-02-05 - I MAKE BETS

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money.
She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!"
The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"




08-01-05 - A CATHOLIC PRIEST AND A NUN

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."




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